The Inciting Incident

Thru Now, Thru All

2009-11-15T21:51:00.009-06:00

Brief updates:

Have been blogging (intermittenly) at hurlynoe.tumblr.com
Substitute teaching... in Sioux Falls. New York lasted just shy of a month. Reality hit hard and I knew that I had to head back to South Dakota. Home is nice, but with a degree, home is suffocating. The upside is having Mom, Dad, and the boys around. The downside is feeling worthless most often. Teaching is a riot, though. I spend my days with elementary kids usually. Not one dull moment. Not one.
I am running a good hour a day, while the weather allows. My nipples were chafing today! I am so ecstatic! I feel like a genuine runner.
Just got the saddest phone call I have fielded. A family friend called to say her husband passed just this evening. I-- can't even fathon that. What words can console a new widow? Her pain dwarfs all other. There are so many glorious and painful life moments we must experience. Ebb and flow. Some small, some enormous. It happens, then it seemingly ceases to happen, but ne'er does it actually stop.
Hang in there, self. Hang in there, everyone. The holidays are inching toward us. All's well in the snowy cheer. I do love home at the holidays. I love everything at the holidays. Even suffocation.

Sweet Campy Afterglow

2009-08-31T22:08:00.014-05:00

Ohmy. Three months since an update! That's actually good, people. People? You there? Wipe the dust off your eyelids.

Long story short: I drove from San Francisco to Maine. I got hired as a camp counselor in Waterford, ME (an hour outside Portland) while I was visiting the other Portland, in Oregon.

The road trip itself was a reward. I love road trips. Long, laborious ones. Northern Cali, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota for 2 weeks—what a blessing those days were—Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, DC, Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine. Yes. Stayed with friends and family along the way. You know me, always willing to ask for a favor.

Summer was... earned happiness. My body aches soon subsided. I was so stressed in San Francisco—ulcers, night sweats, body chills, sore lymph nodes—bad news. But as training went on and I embraced the bug bites, the remoteness, the natural beauty, my problems melted away.

First session was an uphill battle. My cabin was a bit rambunctious for the liking, which made for a lot of in-house friction. They were great kids with conflicting personalities, unfortunately. At the midpoint of camp, I struggled to admit to myself that this was a good fit for me, despite all my problems feeling resolved.

Second session proved just the ticket. My cabin was brilliant; they had perfect chemistry, positive attitudes, and an extra layer of maturity. Perhaps it was because summer was primarily behind them and the four weeks meant a winding down rather than a building up. Whatever it was, it was magic.

And the staff. I adore them. I treasure them. I love the catch phrases, the inside jokes, the camaraderie and built-in support system that we were for one another. They are my best friends for all that we shared. What's funny is that, in San Francisco, most of my friends are 10 or so years older than me, but these counselors are just starting college, and some of them are going to be seniors in high school. It's curious how camp found me so late comparatively, but that, in this bubble, none of it mattered. We were a team, and some of those youngsters have known that camp for five or six years (one for 11!). If anything, I was the baby of the group. We all brought something unique to the table, and that made for a fantastic chemistry.

The kids as a whole—the brightest light of all. Their smiles, their energy, their youthfulness, their humor... it all fuels me to this day. They are the largest reason I miss camp so desperately. The kids really leveled me this summer, and taught me what is truly worth prioritizing in life. It's not money, or fame, or appearance, but curiosity. Willingness in the face of fear, celebrated naivety. I may have been the staff photographer—quite possibly the best job at camp—but I was first and foremost a counselor. Here are some of my photos, anyhow (sorry if the sizing is bunk):

Everyone's facebook statuses reek of camp sickness. We're homesick. I wrote a song in the waning days of it all, or rather I rewrote an existing song. Oddly enough, the song, which cites the end of camp and all it has brought us, and how "September's going to feel so long/when we're not where we belong", became some sort of lore for everyone. Sounds like people are going to revive it next summer, too, and forward from there. Cool.

If the cards fell in place, I'd love to go back next summer. That might be the campsick part of me talking. I'm in New York City now, job hunting, and I doubt said cards will fall in said place. I need to get over camp, and soon, because it is significantly hindering my social life. I actually look more forward to my high school friends visiting town than hanging out with my 1980s-born friends. Sheesh. But that's where I am now. I don't feel as though I've taken a step back, but a sidestep, with a new view in front of me. I still want the same things, but in a different light.

And New York. Friends, family. Pray for me. I am so scared. Terrified. Why should this transition be any different from the others? It is. Significantly so. This, as an idol told me, is "the classic fulcrum moment of one's life". Not college, not internships, not camp or your equivalent, but this. I start some temp work tomorrow. Technically I'm a crossing guard and receptionist for a private school on the East Side (christened with a large stop sign!), but kids don't start school until my final day next Friday, so there really isn't anybody to cross. Instead, I'll probably read a lot. Maybe outline some writing. Definitely ruminate. Certainly pray for a phonecall from one of the dozens of employers who has received a resume and cover letter. I'm not being picky, either. I need to lay my groundwork, establish the professional me before I can ever pursue anything further. I am so sick of asking people favors—I'm staying with my friend Abbey for a few weeks, and hopefully only a few weeks. Camp didn't pay so well in terms of green presidents, see...—and soon I hope to dole out the favors as quickly as I once requested them.

Pray for me, please and please. Pray that I can carry camp with me but not over me, and that someone gives me a shot, sooner and not later. The Big Apple does not feel like Adam's Apple just yet. It does feel like a lump in my throat, however.

The Unemployed, Uninsured, Unrooted Perspective

2009-05-28T18:02:00.004-05:00

It changes you. It all changes you. Priorities come in and out of focus. And they feel right. People are more important than things. Family is more important than friends. But friends-- friends are a close second. And faith is important. Whether your beliefs are a crock and death is merely a pop while the lights go dark forever, faith is important. It gets you through, spackling the cracks that even the perfect family and collection of friends could not fill.

I want to live forever. But I am not afraid to die. Being unemployed—with no major attachments—is the source of new confidence.

Backgrounders

2009-04-08T00:26:00.006-05:00

Do you ever wonder how many photos belong to other people's memories, yet encapsulate you in the background? For instance, a while back my friend linked this photo to me. A few of us were in downtown Lawrence and perused the Casbah windowfront. Lo and behold, some guy took a photo, and my pal Tracy saw the result. That's me, red polo.

Or take a simple photo of me. Look at all the folks in the background. I know one of 'em, but the others... they're part of my memory, of my computer's disk space, of this moment.

I always thought it'd be cool to look back at old photos and see someone famous, at a time when they weren't famous. Isn't that... Michelle Obama? Well, we are in Chicago... why is she wearing those Kmart mom jeans?

Babs in Funny Girl

2009-04-08T00:24:00.001-05:00

Cannot recall enjoying a lighthearted performance this much in a long while. Amy Adams could do this nowadays, few others.

Accidental Golden Gate Half Marathon

2009-04-06T20:52:00.004-05:00

Unemployment sure has its perks!

After running 3 miles, I could have turned around and headed home to finish my workout. Instead, I meandered through the Presidio in search of Baker Beach. It's west of the Golden Gate Bridge, and hard as heck to find when you're 6 feet tall and tucked inside a forest. Somehow I ended up west of the bridge three times and kept zigzagging back to the east side. It was then that my body said enough, but simultaneously my mind said "run across the bridge". I have never been across it outside of tin and wheels—so I opted to tough this one out.

In a few days I'll be in South Dakota. I'm trying to accomplish things in locales that are unique to those places. Family is in South Dakota. Friends, too. And at KU. I'll be at KU for a few days. And I'll milk those days for the family and friends that fill them. But in San Francisco—and in no other place in the world—you can run across the Golden Gate Bridge if you please.

By the time I made it home, I had logged 12.5 miles. My bunions feel like pig hooves, but the rest of me says "thanks for the day." Except for my skin. It says "you let me burn, you sonuvabitch." Shhhh, meet my friend, Aloe Vera.

Lofted

2009-04-05T00:37:00.004-05:00

Back in the Bayside loft.

I'm thrilled to be here, to be in the city, with family, cushioning the fall from unemployment.

But I feel so... dependent.

This summer needs some pizzazz. Some intrigue. Some irresponsibility. I smell a large roadtrip. I hope the idea keeps cooking.

Dunzo

2009-04-04T03:45:00.005-05:00

World's most inspiring internship: over.

Why was I not more sad about walking away today? I didn't even look back, or take an extra lap around the atrium to soak in the culture one last time. No tears dancing in the duct of my eye. Usually my right eye gives at least a little at significant transitions like this. Dried up, like my bank account.

The happiness and gratitude for this opportunity overshadowed any need to cling to the days past. I've said before that I'm good at goodbyes, and all too used to them, really. So I didn't even bother making many this time around. Either they will notice I am gone, or they will not. And I can't change either one. But I certainly will notice that I am no longer there. And as I ready to move out of my apartment and back to the city, having turned in my security card, signed off my computer one final time, and tucked each thank-you note into its recipient's mailbox, I understand that this transition—which on paper is the most significant of my days—is entirely physical.

The Drawing Board, The Writing Pad

2009-04-02T02:02:00.011-05:00

As fate would have it, Picks-ar would not have me. Nothing negative, just timing. That's how it works there. I attacked with my usual plan: be yourself, but grant that same self malleability. I think I failed at nearly everything I attempted on the first try. I could see how frustrating it was for people to bring an intern into the picture, how explaining everything to me could be a chore, how I often felt I merely occupied space, praying that I could land a job at the end of it, wondering how I would be judged when I felt I had few opportunities to showcase true talents. But, that's the nature of interning.

And you know what? I loved it all. I loved that the first three weeks made me question myself and my passions. I love that my department ran dry from time to time and I got to work with artists, executives, technical directors, managers, coordinators, editors and assistants. I'm glad I worked for a company I believe in, with a product I can stand firmly by, and I'm glad I made a few friends with whom I'll stay in touch. The largeness of Picks-ar made it difficult to really connect with some folks, realizing that I am 1 of 1000s of interns to have chunnelled his or her way through that building. I wanted to stand out, to be an intern who wasn't seen as transient. I messed so many things up. Most small, and one really important thing. I nearly cried at that one, and it was during the job interview days. I can't decide why I didn't ultimately land a job, and am unwilling to blame it on any single thing, or any big thing. I fumbled a lot of things, but I always recovered myself. Resilience was a large part of this internship.

It took maybe three hours to get over the misery of not landing a job. All the other interns will stay on, so it seems. Fair enough; that's how life operates. And I just read this past blog entry, which I wrote this summer after visiting Picks-ar on duty for my then-internship. Here's an excerpt from that June post:

I got the vibe that this is the best place to work, for any person. OK, no surprise. Maybe I'm a little bitter now that I'm not interning there. Bitter is the wrong word. I'm thrilled with what I'm doing. But I'm justified in being wholly jealous.

I guess I can be proud of myself for getting myself in there, for exiting graciously and for hopefully affecting a few people along the way. There are a handful of friends I'll leave behind as I leave this Friday. Not to mention so many beautiful perks. Here are the four production interns, and my best friends these past 12 weeks (me, Allison, Megan, Jesus):

But I look forward. I never had a job, so I did not lose a thing. This summer feels like it needs to be spent relaxing. Not being lazy. But writing. Remotely. I want to find someplace cheap, someplace beautiful and humble and inspiring, and I want to write. I want to be a successful, self-employed screenwriter. There is nothing secret about my intentions. How the hell will I ever accomplish that without ever physically writing?

Picks-ar has truly inspired me to study the craft. Heck, I was in the Story department, I witnessed the genius firsthand. But every night when I came home, I read literature or screenplays, watched films that needed to be watched, studied up on drama and writing, and outlined my latest thoroughly. But nothing has been written in lieu of a script since last summer. And it's about damn time it happens.

Why do I always feel like the most recent experience is also the most "life defining"? Student Senate was, Telluride was, Studying Abroad was, San Francisco summer was, and now, Picks-ar is. I think I'm good at carrying everything with me, keeping memories and lessons in tow. This one was most definitive in that I worked on my first feature film—not to mention, one that will make 100s of millions and, more importantly, actually contribute to society—but I saw the effect of good storytelling, I worked with and supported the storytellers themselves, and I met 100s of people who showed me what happiness is.

I am redefining my own idea of the word. I look around and see a lot of things that are disposable, forgettable, transient. And while I may have not been the top choice to stay on staff at Picks-ar, I was one of four interns in the field, on what I can vouch will be one of their greatest films to date. Transient as I feel to the monstrous, well-oiled machine that is Picks-ar, I feel recycled, not thrown away.

note: The profile sketch was drawn by my friend Jack, an art intern. This place bleeds talent.

Shut the door.

2009-03-22T15:24:00.003-05:00

Movies are supposed to be realistic, right?

Why then, in so many movies, do characters leave car doors and house doors wide open when they pass through? Usually the action isn't intense enough to justify omitting that split second extra time to close the door. But honestly... nobody just leaves the door wide open. Has it been scientifically tested that closing the door detracts from the drama? Because if anything, leaving it open is the biggest detractor, since in my head I'm screaming "close the door, buffoon!"

The Adult Crossover?

2009-03-22T15:19:00.003-05:00

Watching Heavenly Creatures the other day made me realize I may be gleaning toward the adult side of life more than the youthful one. Granted the girls in that film are crazy-azz-mofos—Kate WInslet can do it all—I found myself empathizing with the parents and absolutely dreading the girls' antics. Was I supposed to feel that way? Because the movie was about the girls and that nobody understood them. While the film was terrific, I couldn't really understand them, either, and wished they would just listen to their parents' advice.

Job interviews have been going on in these parts. In a week or so, I may have one of them FT with Bennies. It'd be my first ever actual job. Talk about the real adult crossover.

But I can't get ahead of myself.

Looking Up

2009-03-07T18:51:00.002-06:00

Everyone says "enjoy the internship"...

2009-02-23T23:32:00.008-06:00

...as if that's difficult.

Regardless of what happens at the end of it, I am allowed this humbling moment. This, ladies and germs, is one of my idols. The dude, that is, not the little gold guy. That is Oscar, and he's just a friend. "Heavier than he looks"... and definitely "not a shampoo bottle".

But modern-day storytelling orbits around this man's mind. I feel as if I have my current job because of him (and the rest of 'em!).

Me: Congratulations!
Stanton: No, congratulations to you.
Me (thinking...): Well, OK!

WALL-E-LATION.

Top 10 films of 2009

2009-02-21T05:13:00.003-06:00

Based on what I have seen, of course.

1. vicky cristina barcelona
2. the wrestler
3. rachel getting married
4. doubt
5. in bruges
6. revolutionary road
7. wall-e
8. the dark knight
9. milk
10. slumdog millionaire

runners up: nick and norah's infinite playlist, frost/nixon, waltz with bashir, medicine for melancholy, curious case of benjamin button, the reader

yet to see: frozen river, the class, wendy and lucy, gran torino, happy-go-lucky, man on wire

On "Parenthood"

2009-02-18T20:34:00.006-06:00

One great thing about Picksar—and the fact that I put on hold my Netflix account—is that they have a small DVD archive (small still means large, but in the film world, it's obviously not ginormous). I've been making my way through countless films that, until now, have been on my "must see as a self-proclaimed film snob" list for years.

Also in stock are seminars and interviews and source material for all media. You obviously know which medium I've been browsing, and I recently snagged a Q&A with Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz. These two are two of the best; they've written Parenthood, A League of Their Own, Night Shift, Splash, City Slickers and more. What I found interesting in their interview was that they acknowledged never generating their own story idea. They take the money, write the script under that pressure—handwritten, no less, then passed off to their secretary—and go about their lives, waiting for the next assignment. It's not how I'd envision a perfect career in screenwriting, but the guys sure back it up with their stellar work. You get the feeling watching their films that they invented a lot of the cliches that exist today—and that's entirely a compliment.

I saw Parenthood yesterday, am watching Night Shift tonight.

Personally, the following scene is especially remarkable, for a few reasons:
1. It threads the whole film.
2. The Grandmother looks exactly like my Gramma.
3. The lesson is applicable not just to parenting. But it makes me want to be a parent and writer 3, 4, 5 times over.

I want to write that. That scene, the whole movie. And maybe Ron Howard will direct and Brian Grazer produce? Would I have it any other way?

One Man Guy

2009-02-18T02:57:00.002-06:00

Loudon:

Rufus and co:

Saraghina

2009-02-10T02:33:00.000-06:00

I love you, Fellini.

The now

2009-02-02T03:54:00.006-06:00

In the past few weeks, a blurred but assured trajectory has formed, and tracing it backwards, I see that I am growing comfortable. I feel like I'm in a place where I can nestle my feet into the sand and embrace the things that wash ashore around me. Although I would always, under any circumstance, seize an opportunity to travel and uproot myself—wherever I was—I think I see the benefits of finding a lasting home.

The future right now is only 2 months long. And oddly, I'm OK with that. Sure I fantasize about what might become of life in 2009 and further out, but my Achilles heel has always been off the ground, stepping toward a new direction, afraid of attachment and commitment. Those are the things that intrigue me most for now, so it seems. My routine is only so fulfilling. I'm hoping to share.

Strictly, Revolutionary

2009-01-27T02:23:00.012-06:00

There was a chance I would love Strictly Ballroom, but in expecting too grand of things from Baz Luhrmann, I was pretty disappointed. More that anything, I wanted an excuse to see the one film in his director's bin that was left unseen. His best (read: Romeo + Juliet, Moulin Rouge!) would follow it. At it's best, Ballroom read like a cliche "I just gotta dance!" movie. Oy.

On another note, I saw Revolutionary Road yesterday, another great step for Sam Mendes. While I suspect he despises American suburbia, there is no denying that Mendes can wind suspense around a thimble (and writer Just Haythe, and novelist Richard Yates). It's the best reward for an audience to see a film so reliant on acting; this one is atop the best ensembles of the year, with Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Rachel Getting Married, Doubt and Milk following. I especially loved the central theme to the film, of which I've blogged maybe 8,000 times.

But I love the idea of the Great American Compromise, and how life's little gifts slowly chip away at the base of our dreams. Bit by bit, through job security or family attachments or general cowardice, we build a ceiling to block out the clouds that once welcomed our curiosity. And at 22, with no major life attachments, it rang pretty loud. I think the current KU study abroad crew was in Venice this weekend. Some were in Barcelona. I never made it to Barcelona, if you recall. (So, when?)

But one thing the Wheelers (played by Kate and Leo) neglected was living in the moment. Here doesn't have to be so bad; the haste in making such a decision often chokes the happiness one can make for his or herself. People are miserable with themselves in Paris, too. And who's miserable? Not me! Not with such frackin' awesome movies showing at the cineplex. Oscar season is truly the best of all 5. It makes me... wanna dance!

Adam/Nobody

2009-01-24T21:33:00.007-06:00

Since I am still new to the area (Emeryville, that is) and it's Oscar season, I am attending Frost/Nixon by my lonesome tonight. I'm not ashamed. I blogged about the notion once, having attended only one film by myself previously. But this is independence, isn't it? Just because the other interns are sick or with other friends or not interested in it, I want to see it, so I am responsible for the followthrough. It got 5 Oscar noms, for Pete's sake, including 4 in the major categories. And it's written by Peter Morgan, who authored my favorite flick of 2006.

Movies movies movies. Life life life! See the ones you hope to love. Love the one you're given.

Update: Sold out. The 9:45 showing! Wow. I guess Berkeley has more interest in intellectual films than previous homes of mine. At least I made it to the theatre to buy a ticket. Instead, I came home and watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's one of those films I had to watch just so it exists in my repertoire. My brain is on the fritz.

Ruminate

2009-01-23T03:37:00.005-06:00

You know how sometimes your day just floats along and you ruminate unhealthily? It isn't necessarily negative, but moreso neutral, and counterproductive. Thoughts enter your head, welcome or not.

Anyway, today was one of those days. I was ruminating, a lot. About the now, about the future. "Fretting" is an appropriate term. I fret about my life pretty consistently. Hey, hi, my name's Adam. Nice to meet you.

Well, ruminating is unhealthy because you start to doubt yourself and your talents and your personality. But fortunately for me today, not one but six people went out of their way to encourage me, for no reason. My demeanor was happy, and yet they still said something regarding writing or learning or working... and it made all the difference. Today was great! Most days are great, but today was initially threatened by my faulty thought process.

I did OK in high school. I tell myself a place like this is half the size of my high school, and the faces stay the same, which only helps. And here, it's normal for girls to get pregnant and people are encouraged to share a celebratory beer after the day ends. And jocks? Who needs 'em! Nerds rule the school.

Hey, if I switched from private to public schools at 14 and survived, I think a place like this at 22 should yield positive results.

...

Also, the park I run in each morning turns out to be a popular "random adult meetup locale" (read: strangers tapping on each other's car windows before work, walking to the bushes, and not playing patty cakes) for weird, creepy, possibly married people. I knew something was fishy when people started staring at me as I ran by, as if I was crashing some party uninvited (although the invitation seems pretty open by my impressions).

So... I'm exercising indoors, at the apartment complex, until further notice. Gag.

Original Screenplay shock

2009-01-22T23:29:00.003-06:00

* “Frozen River” (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Courtney Hunt
* “Happy-Go-Lucky” (Miramax), Written by Mike Leigh
* “In Bruges” (Focus Features), Written by Martin McDonagh
* “Milk” (Focus Features), Written by Dustin Lance Black
* “WALL-E” (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Andrew Stanton, Jim Reardon, Original story by Andrew Stanton, Pete Docter

No Rachel Getting Married? What about Jenny Lumet carrying the legacy?
No The Wrestler? What about being the best-reviewed film of the year?
No Vicky Cristina Barcelona? What about Woody Allen love, and its pure awesomeness + Best Musical or Comedy win at the Golden Globes (granted it was 100% about the dramatic films this year)?

It's probably Milk's to win, although I'm rooting for the robot.

I'm generally OK with everything else. Got a few more screenings to decide if I'm happy or sad about The Reader's rise or Gran Torino's absence.

Anyone can cook.

2009-01-19T04:01:00.006-06:00

I feel like Linguini, having walked into the restaurant for the first time. Except I'm not hiding anything in a toque.

Second week, and I feel infinitely more capable. The jitters have subsided, the goosebumps retracted, and now I can mop the floor and let it shine so that these artists can walk on the cleanest, sparkliest floor that complements their world-class talent.

Anyone can cook. But first, everyone must mop the floor.

Blog direction

2009-01-16T00:20:00.006-06:00

Since I soon hope to write consistently (for the first time in fo-eva) I need to better utilize this blog space. Obviously my blog is titled "The Inciting Incident" for a reason, and tonight I had my first meet-up with some other Picksar employees interested in screenwriting. Wow, people like me exist! There they are, working in their various departments, and possessing the same passion as a kid plucked outta South Dakota. I might actually be writing sooner than later with the wonderful, necessary pressure.

OK, so for the blog... the musings are all, from my perspective, cinematic. Things that arc my life, themes and threads I find strung through the daily ebb and flow. I know most personal blogs are venting tools or public diaries, but know that I'm trying to keep mine... like a beat sheet (for non-writers, that's "personal revelations that alter my mood or thought process or lessons learned, or significant people met"). That's how I justify this space.

Tough Beginnings, Anywhere

2009-01-15T02:24:00.005-06:00

A new beginning always means one certainty: testing the waters takes time. Like studying abroad, having new roommates, starting a new class or a job, it is necessary to gauge people's personalities and existing dynamics before allowing one's own character to shine.

I remember when my Europe group assembled a month before departure (from US, to Euro), everyone looked around the room, quiet and staring blankly. I wanted to push everything aside, do backflips and somersaults all over the room and jump up shouting "We're going to be the best of friends in 4 months and are sharing the best time of our life... together. Why can't we be chummy now?"

The same goes for now, with a twist. This group that I have joined, just like with the previous two internships, is close-knit. They have adopted me and granted me access to their unity. But for some reason, I cannot inherently relax and joke until the "few week buffer" mysteriously dissolves and we're suddenly clicking. It's not circumstantial, it's a life rule. One day they'll realize, "holy crud, this kid has a sense of humor... like us?"

It just needs to foster and happen naturally, I suppose. That's part of relationships. And most people are impatient.

Patience, patience, patience. I'm burning it into my head. Patience. Be yourself. Patience.

Shhhh

2009-01-13T23:21:00.005-06:00

I'm in the business of surprises.

For obvious reasons, few work-related updates to follow. But I'll be here, updating on other life-nesses. Regarding Picks-ar, gage my optimism, and you'll figure the rest.

2009's Promise

2009-01-11T19:47:00.010-06:00

A year ago I was exploring the tiny, winding roads of Florence, embarking on a new adventure that would infect my body and mind with wanderlust. Having graduated and gotten out of Kansas' wintry wonderland, I look forward to 2009 with the same curiosity and anticipation, but with wiser eyes and a stronger sense of self.

2009 will introduce reality. Loans, work, bills, all of it. But most importantly, complete independence and creative freedom, as well as a new lease on creative collaboration. No more Psychology tests or Campaigns group projects. I get to apply my liberal arts degree, work with people in an industry relevant to my passion, and hopefully... hopefully... write consistently and better than before.

Work starts tomorrow. Well, the internship. It's going to be a day of orientation and the whole week will probably be flight training before landing on my feet with the Toy Story 3 team. I struggle to even refer to this as "work". It feels as though I have struck gold, and within me lies a desire to learn and study and grow more than I ever did in school.

Having met a few other interns, the eagerness is a shared sentiment. I live with three technical interns. These dudes are brilliant and already so successful in their creative endeavors; I am fortunate to play ball with them. Another production intern is actually friends with one of my good buddies from Kansas. She phoned me yesterday with the whole "what a small world" speech, and I agreed. That girl, who is working in the art department on 2011's "The Bear and the Bow", came grocery shopping with us this morning as we stocked up on our apartment essentials. Already the other interns love that I drove my car out here. Cha-ching!

Speaking of driving my car out here... wow. Our country is serene and breathtaking. She is all positive adjectives. One of my writing resolutions is to avoid words like "cool", "good", "neat", "sweet", and "awesome". How trite! The US of A, my friends... is stunning and varied. I crave road trips like I craved country-hopping in Europe. I would love to drive the west and east coasts of this nation, absorbing all the landscapes like those witnessed from South Dakota, south to Kansas, southwest to New Mexico and west through Arizona, up into Nevada, and then northwest to San Francisco's bay.

I started driving on January 1. A new year, a new life ahead. I said farewell to friends and family, my past close enough to touch, but shrinking with each passing mile.

Adieu, adieu to the Kansas plains. I picked up my co-pilot Mitch in Wichita and the wind carried us away to sunny, dry New Mexico.

We nearly got killed by a fiery red pickup truck that ran a red light in Clayton, NM, but the near miss allowed us to continue to Santa Fe for a night with our colorful, vibrant fellow Jayhawk, Nina. Santa Fe is so authentic-feeling and the food was rich. I could see myself living there quite happily someday.

Then, through the similarly-landscaped Arizona deserts, we navigated to the Grand Canyon. And where else on the entire trip should it snow but Arizona? I do believe we saw the Canyon at its most unique moment. The color contrast was alive, putting on a show.

While Nevada surely has its gifts, it was not my favorite state. It was relatively vast, and Las Vegas kept my attention for the one night we settled there. I do not think I could have lasted much longer. It was so shallow, so money-centric, so redundant, so transient... says the boy with Hollywood aspirations. The Hoover Dam, though, is spectacular enough to phone your mother.

At long last, on January 5's eve, we arrived in San Francisco.

She is just as I left her, heartwarming and kind. Amy and Michael were gracious hosts for the five days spent in the city, and the kids were an eager force waiting to entertain Mitch and me. Reconnecting with old friends was of highest priority. I was able to see Film Society people and JPG people. The FIlm Society trucks toward another inevitably grand festival, many of them off to Sundance this week to scout prospects. JPG is a sadder story. Just after the new year, JPG's parent, 8020 Media, announced its demise. My friends and loved ones are now without work, their main investor having pulled the plug. The good news for JPG is that it is likely to be adopted by a new investor. Bids have been made and entertained. But the saddest part is that the jobs won't likely return for any of those great, creative folks. Some are enjoying the days off, catching up on projects. Others are searching vigorously for new employment, as far away as New York. What a sign of the times. They were all in good spirits, though. Troopers. I love them.

I have been catching myself up on films, too. My most recents are Milk, The Wrestler, Doubt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and Slumdog Millionaire. I do believe I've seen the cream of the crop, but my final list won't arrive until Gran Torino, Frost/Nixon, The Reader, and Revolutionary Road are in my repetoire. I have my work cut out. Oscar season is upon us! So far, though, my support is with Mickey Rourke of The Wrestler, Anne Hathaway of Rachel Getting Married, Heath Ledger of The Dark Knight, and Penelope Cruz of Vicky Cristina Barcelona. 2008 was sharp for actors.

It was sharp for animation, too. But we all know who was top dog. A little robot, and an army of 1000 behind his tale. Tomorrow, I join that army. How fortunate!

Here's to a bright future, a beaming 2009, and a lifetime pursuit of thrill. Everything is over the horizon. Go to it.

Good at goodbye

2008-12-19T19:24:00.004-06:00

2008 has numbed me from farewells. My life has been in semester/summer clusters, each ending with major separations.

This one is pretty significant, though. It marks the end of 7 semesters, 2 summers, 1 college career, countless friends and a lot of confidence to accompany all the platitudes I picked up along the way.

I sense my friends are holding onto this more than I, even as both parties realize the length of time before another reunion. I am dulled to it; I cannot say goodbye to all these people, physically or emotionally. I would prefer to pack my things and drive away, not looking back.

I won't look back, and I may not come back. It's not my intention. I move forward.

So, because I am good at goodbyes, or perhaps immune to them, I am not losing sleep or shedding (m)any tears. The only sadness is that the loan collectors will be nipping my ankles soon. Friends can be found anywhere, never replacing old friends. I have more to learn, but elsewhere. All of you do as well.

Lawrence, you were so good to this one. Thank you kindly, from all of me, and goodbye.

Sigh of relief

2008-12-05T13:23:00.001-06:00

Phew. Wiping that sweat off the brow. Found an internship for next semester, so it's back to the bay. Paid full-time, free housing, free photoshop, screenwriting, editing classes, free rec facility, and best of all... an open door into the movie production process. Say hello to the Toy Story 3 story department intern. Oy oy!

The hurt of writing

2008-12-01T22:44:00.005-06:00

One of the biggest disappointments in writing is discovering that an idea very similar to yours has been made into a film—more painful is when it's a successful film. I've had this scare a number of times and I've only developed a few stories, but I continually get anxious while watching films, hoping that my ideas remain original. I just got the scare reading a synopsis of Frozen River, but after watching the trailer, I feel much better. Only minor similarities!

Truthfully, they are my ideas whether somebody else has had them or not, but explaining that to anyone who reads the material brings an uphill battle, and in the professional world, would equate a dead screenplay. Here's hoping that never happens. I'm sure it has to many writers. What heartbreak.

Welcome to Kansas. It's shaped like a box because we live our lives as if we were in one!

2008-12-01T22:21:00.004-06:00

These last two weeks are going to be sloooooooooow and painful. Excruciating. I am still awaiting word from AmazingAnimationStudioInEastBay about next semester, but regardless of their decision, I am so ready to bounce.

Now, I hope noone close to me takes this the wrong way, but I want to disappear. Rather, moving somewhere new means I can virtually erase my past and become a new person. Example: I haven't had a drink in two months, and it's tiring explaining that to friends who have seen me do more than a few beer bongs in a short period of time. Soon, I will be the friend who goes out and just gets water, but still has fun. No more "why won't you drink just one more time!?" or "You're wasting your senior year (pouty sorority girl face)!!!"

Leaving familiar faces and transient friendships certainly feels like a rehash of high school senior year, and although I'm no longer friends with 90% of those kids, I'm willing to accept that before leaving this go-round. Everything seems futile when new adventures await. Nothing is permanent in my life, and Kansas has a very short fuse that's burning quickly. I'm ready to work so hard, not just on the job, but to expand my boundaries, to explore every creative avenue I encounter, to challenge myself physically, mentally, creatively, emotionally. I am so ready for an endurance test.

But I'm stuck in freezing Kansas!

Unintentional Chazz Palminteri Night

2008-11-29T13:23:00.003-06:00

It seems like I could watch any set of films from one single era, and could tie them together by an actor, director, best boy, someone. It's like playing "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", one of my favorite brain games.

Well, last night I opted to swim through both of my Netflixed movies, Bullets Over Broadway and The Usual Suspects, both starring Chazz Palminteri. I can't connect his roles as well as I did with Brad Pitt last weekend, but in the former Chazz played a creative mafioso, stifling even his friends who blunted his art. In the latter, Palminteri is a detective hoping to blunt a megakiller named Keyser Söze, and in his way is a rather artful criminal who just posted.

Chazz Palminteri. Hmm. Not someone I thought I'd be watching twice in the same evening, but he does stellar work. He got an Oscar nod in Woody Allen's Bullets..., but was overshadowed by the brilliant Dianne Wiest and Jennifer Tilly (I love love love Wiest but think Tilly deserved the statuette).

Unintentional Brad Pitt Weekend

2008-11-23T17:44:00.008-06:00

Coming home this weekend meant a few things:
1. Since I am working all Thanksgiving break, pure relaxation was in order.
2. Catch up on movies. I'm always catching up on movies.
3. No homework. School is pointless anymore.

My sister sent me off with two of her favorite films, A River Runs Through It and Legends of the Fall. When out with my mom the other day, she decided to buy Sleepers. And suddenly, I was devoting 6 hours of my weekend to Brad Pitt circa 1992, 1995, and 1996 respectively.

There were three variations of how Brad must have looked as a child. The first two films both feature Pitt in Montana around WWI, and he grows into a rebel in each, breaking hearts and hurting himself and those he loves, while also showing an affinity toward Native American women. The third film is him growing up in Hell's Kitchen in the 60s and 70s, only to become a mischevous lawyer bent on freeing his friends from an avenging crime.

I feel like a casting agent, scouting this "Mr. Pitt" for his potential, as if I had never heard of him or seen his works. I feel a bit overwhelmed to be honest, and will have to take a Pittcation until I get to see him grown down in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That's going to be stellar, I just know it. Fincher & Roth. Blanchett, Henson, Swinton, Ormond, Pitt? Oy oy!

After this weekend, however, I do admit finding a new appreciation for Mr. Tabloid Fodder, who once attended Mizzou (gross). He's a damn fine actor. In my head I thought "Redford inherited the reigns from Newman, and he is clearly wanting to pass them to Pitt." Pitt is certainly worthy of the reigns, and of Angelina's lips. I always root for the veteran actors at the Oscars, the ones who haven't yet won. Assuming Pitt's name is on the shortlist, I'll probably be gunning for him this year (Or DiCaprio, Rourke, and most certainly Winslet). He's an icon, and I'm willing to embrace that. Even if he went to Mizzou.

Addiction #1

2008-11-16T21:41:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's because I'm facing the one true week of schoolwork this semester, but now that I am in a consistent workout routine (goodbye, 15+ pounds!) and feeling the best mentally and physically I have ever felt, it sure sucks when I get too busy to fit an hour of exercise into my day.

Fortunately this weekend it was because I was running around at work, expending 17 hours on my feet in two days. But I came home this afternoon and crashed into my bed for nearly five more hours because my mind couldn't keep up with my body. Here it is dark so I cannot run outside, and the time remaining to hit the rec center is down to two hours. Instead, I'm laying out dozens of pages in my workbook for campaigns class, putting off a paper for ethics class due Tuesday, and already deciding on skipping psychology class first thing come Tuesday. Wednesday is a 6:30 a.m. shift at work and then a 6-hour drive home in the dark.

I just want free time, warm weather, and more daylight. I just want to run around this town, igniting my brain and body with the addictive simultaneous pain and pleasure that is exercise. I feel horribly worthless without that stimulation.

Time for coffee, I reckon. Addiction #2.

Back at the Movies

2008-11-14T21:03:00.018-06:00

Last night was brilliant. Double feature at the theater... something I have never actually done before. And yes, we paid for both films. It is Oscar season, beautiful people.

I would very much be pleased if Anne Hathaway won Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married. This is the real breakout her career needed, and a couple years overdue.

And Quantum of Solace was good. Not great (!!!) like Casino Royale, but stunning and pulsating and quite a ride nonetheless. I was happy that the drunk guy behind us puked on the guys next to me rather than on me. Well, I wasn't happy he puked on the guys next to me, but relieved that no quantum of bile found its way onto my shoulder.

Scenario

2008-11-14T20:57:00.003-06:00

If you're driving down the street and need to make a left hand turn, do you check to see if a pedestrian is about to enter the crosswalk? Let's say hypothetically this pedestrian is a runner, and he or she is running the same direction in which you are driving prior to your desired turn; for this, they cannot see you because they are not facing you. Furthermore, if said left hand turn is at an intersection where oncoming traffic has a stop sign and the pedestrian runner assumes safety in crossing the street (as the previous 10,000,000 streets crossed also had proven safe), then would you honk at said pedestrian when you screech to a halt from nearly running him or her over with your Dodge Ram?

No, you wouldn't honk at the pedestrian for something that was entirely your fault. That would make you a completely selfish idiot.

Ladies, gentlemen: there are some completely selfish idiots on the road. They make it a scary world, and I am happy to be alive.

Title Today

2008-11-09T10:18:00.004-06:00

What would the title of your movie be, if it were about this exact day?

Mine would be: Rise of the Pork Tacos: All Orifices Beware

No, perverts, not like that. I'm sick, sick, sick. I'm missing the busiest shift at work and losing a good $150 minimum to instead lay fetalized on my bed or pray to the potty.

Sounds like the perfect time to watch Out of Africa, a film I own but have not seen. I've been great at catching up on films lately that are necessary for my credibility. Example, example, example.

Oh, and yesterday was my one-year blogoversary. I'll have my cake, but I sure can't eat it today.

I am actually attempting the V-neck thing

2008-11-06T19:35:00.002-06:00

What I once knocked, I am trying. Hm hm!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday

2008-11-06T19:29:00.004-06:00

Monday: Got a phone call, got an interview for the best possible thing ever (Bay area!).

Tuesday: Said interview took place. I feel pretty good I guess. Need to wait a couple weeks. Also, I witnessed this (read the message board!).

Wednesday: Someone broke into my car overnight, but stole nothing. Lesson: Don't keep anything of value in your car. Boxes and mix CDs aren't of value.

Thursday: On my run, I leaped over some metal construction rods and fell into a 3-foot-deep pothole on the other side. It all happened so fast, but I was able to get up and laugh uproariously to the sound of honking cars.

Tonight: Gonna go see Wall-E at the Union, hopefully for some good karma.

This week rules.

How can a 22 year old be sick of college life?

2008-11-03T14:32:00.003-06:00

Maybe a metaphor will help. Maybe not.

Today I served a party of six at work. These folks were very nice, very sweet, very charming. Four of the guests had iced teas, and it was the third time I was refilling their glasses when I asked one man to hand me his glass, as it was out of my reach.

"Sir, can I steal that glass from you?"

He paused, his hand hovering an inch from his glass, contemplating something. I thought he was joking with me, so I chuckled.

"Ehh, no. I would prefer a new glass, but I will hang on to this one as well."

No explanation was needed. If his preference is a new glass, my preference is to do so and make him happy. However, the other three people with iced teas looked up from their plates.

"I'll take one too."

"Yes, me as well."

"And me, please."

I smiled, while quickly scanning their glasses, all of which I had topped off with fresh, crisp, icy tea. Nothing seemed the matter.

"Of course, four iced teas coming up."

Reiteration, these people were terrific. But as I filled new glasses, thankful for not having a busy section, I wondered why one man's thought process and upgrade suddenly changed the minds of the until-then-wholly-satisfied bunch.

Why do people think like sheep?

Why does everyone around me seem to operate on "Classes. Parties. Tailgate. Binge."? And why am I so annoyed that other people find pleasure in this? How selfish.

Kiss Kiss, Dang Dang.

2008-10-30T01:00:00.007-05:00

A few posts ago, I wrote about Sarah Palin and how, at first, I wanted her to be more than she actually turned out.
Watching The Last Kiss just now, I feel the same way. I wanted to love it for many reasons:

A) I want to be Zach Braff, always and forever.
B) I want to have Rachel Bilson.
C) It's got a damn good soundtrack.
D) Paul Haggis is a damn good writer.
E) Blythe Danner, Tom Wilkinson, Casey Affleck, Jacinda Barrett
F) Everyone else bickered about its "downer" status. I love downer flicks! (It wasn't entirely downer, either. Flakes.)

But... perhaps like Palin, it constantly feels like the camera is rolling. Like the actors, save for Wilkinson, are waiting for "Cut" or just jumped from an "Action" cue, spitting imbibed lines. I love the themes here, but the plot seems trite and the story rushed, and... I think this kiss was too forced, like old biddy lipstick kisses. I had to choke it down.

The real downer ending is that, well, sometimes you can't love something you wanted to love.

The world is better in polaroid-vision

2008-10-28T03:22:00.003-05:00

Sure am missing on Europe. Excitement like that—daily discoveries, constant foreignness, unwritable fantasies—are rare around these parts.
Made these with Poladroid. Be sure to download the English version.

Boom goes the microphone

2008-10-28T03:15:00.003-05:00

While watching the fluffy, slightly awkward Jawbreaker today, I noticed a scene where the boom mic fell into the shot.

See it up there, in the middle?

I've caught this a number of times, in War of the Worlds, Junebug, Stranger than Fiction (debatably on purpose there) and a few others.
Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman has a good take on the matter, but I always feel sleuthy when discovering a slip like this. Nobody's perfect, and catching the quick glimpse of the boom entering the shot is like a cine-freak's Where's Waldo.

People, people

2008-10-27T00:21:00.001-05:00

Two things sprung to mind while burning the oil on some homework this evening. I’m at a coffee shop, one of the more hipster ones.

First: What makes this lady so special that she gets to broadcast her music selections for the whole establishment? Half of them are distracting rather than soothing, and I fortunately have headphones and other music to overpower her poor taste. Surprisingly, nobody has spoken up and told her to hush it. Rude.

Second: Do people need personal victories each day? I think so. Presently, mine come in the form of good tips, or exercising, or watching a great film. When I get deep into writing or structuring a screenplay, that’s the biggest victory. Tonight, these two people have been bickering that the wireless connection is spotty. Every time the owner walks by, they scream some complaint or incantation, Heaven knows what, trying to alleviate their situation. One of the two is so set on fixing the problem that he hollers suggestions every few minutes. Dude, do you just need a little victory or something? Then play rock paper scissors with the music maven, winner gets to overpower the other’s obnoxious contributions to the decibel level in this place.

Dirr. I also find personal victories in venting.

music that soothes, caitlin is dumb

2008-10-24T21:22:00.000-05:00

Indie Movie Life

2008-10-24T20:49:00.005-05:00

Today's work shift felt like a scene from an indie movie. I was chatting with a frequent customer in the corner booth, looking out the window onto Massachusetts Street, when an eerie thing occurred:

A man pushing a shopping cart inched by the window as the rain poured down, searching for a face with which to make eye contact; he found mine instantly. His eyes were bitter and his disposition sour. He was sporting a sleek full-body cat suit, a masculine Halle Berry downgrade. In his shopping cart—a tattered plastic baby doll, with a head full of brown, pigtailed hair. His glare was so stern it was humorous.

"Did you just see that?" I asked firefighter Jay, the daily customer.

"No, what?"

And I wasn't making it up. I saw the weirdo a few hours later, sans shopping cart, burping the doll. What the?!

Also, a man in my section was wearing a dress. In his defense, he was on a date, with a woman.

Larry is Austin's equally weird younger brother.

Who wants an Oscar?

2008-10-22T13:53:00.007-05:00

My movie-faring partner Caitlin recently shared a sad revelation: we haven't had to go out of our way to see a film this year. By this time last year, our weekends were full with one or two movies each. This is typically Oscar season, or the start of it. Yet so far, nothing has come our way that seems to have solid enough reviews or buzz for awards. And when they do... the critics shoot them flat.

What in the heck is going to get nominated this year? And who? The trailer for The Visitor was great, but the film was a yawn. Vicky Cristina Barcelona was one of my favorites (certainly the best of the year), but people still seem mum.

I anxiously await Rachel Getting Married, Doubt, Frost/Nixon, Australia, Revolutionary Road, Slumdog Millionaire, The Wrestler, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Milk and I've Loved You So Long (that is a long list, yet here I sit with next to no options). But when High School Musical 3's review is better than Changeling's and Synecdoche, New York's... I wonder if the other promising films will fall horribly short of the mark, a la Body of Lies.

Where's my Michael Clayton, my Assassination of Jesse James, my Into the Wild? Right now, the only film I've seen that seems to have a Best Picture shot is The Dark Knight, and justifiably so. Otherwise, I'll have to wait for the non-buzzed, super-hyped, anxiously awaited Quantum of Solace while enjoying my overdose of solace and quantum of extra cash. Looks like it's rentals for this kid.

Six weeks ago, this was the best election ever.

2008-10-21T21:26:00.005-05:00

And now I think it's one of the worst. Maybe it's my fatigue, and I'm sure most of you agree. I want it over, and I am not particularly excited about either pair.

It was when Palin was first introduced that I was elated with things. My Obama fatigue had already hit, and it fascinated me that McCain chose somebody so far away from prognostications. From the PR standpoint, it was a brilliant move. It took the media away from Obama for weeks, and for a while, the plan was foolproof. She's new to the practice, so they couldn't bring any heat on her. Nobody knew enough about her; she truly was a rogue. But now the media has had its fill; her interviews haven't helped. I don't look down at Palin because she leveraged a family member or this "shocking" revelation that her children flew to events on Alaskan funds. Give me a break. If that's all they can pull up on her past, then sign me up. However, it is her backwards steps that have me off kilter. I do appreciate candidates with strong religious convictions; I think that's an admirable trait. But she is too far to the right, just as I believe Obama is too far to the left. I loved for a couple weeks that my extreme leftish friends had to shut the hell up, because conservatives had their own renegade to follow. It was much shorter lived, seeing as the democratic renegade is likely the next president and rode his popularity for the past four years. Even this last push to the polls clearly shows people riding his wave higher than McCain's. Then again, I am secluded to my campus world.

I just don't see how Obama's background makes him any more qualified for the job; he's just lucky to have had 4 years to raise funds, supporters, and read up on foreign policy, etc. Poor Palin got a few days' notice. I never would have said this before, but I am starting to believe if Hillary wasn't the better choice between the two.

I think I just wanted Palin to be somebody she isn't. Or rather, she won't get the opportunity to be that person, because she has been so battered by the media. I think Alaska will do with her whatever she opts: she could very well be a senator in a few years. But her national image was nothing, and then it was brilliant for a week, and now... it's tarnished. I wanted equilibrium—a Republican answer to Barack Obama. It just wasn't researched enough, or the steam died too soon. But she wasn't ready. I wanted her to be; I wanted her interviews and her debates to be as "mavericky" as her convention speech. Nope. She did well on SNL, though. Heeeeey.

And, courtesy of JJ's linking it, here's a hilarious mash-up with Everyone's "favorite" hockey mom and everyone's favorite pregnant law enforcer:

I'm fine with Obama. That's it... I'm fine. It's a tepid feeling at best. I do hope he surprises me if elected. I love his passion, his ability to unite the masses, and I am optimistic that our global positioning will improve; I understand the hooplah. But I can't help but feel that everyone has been manipulated by pop culture. Those leftist friends I referenced earlier can't solidly defend Obama to counteract the way they bash Palin, and vice verse for the righties. They hate one for the same reason they love the other. It's utterly ridiculous how hypocritical people are, and how personal they take things. And the two men with an actual voting record, with actual experience and political promise—McCain and Biden—are getting quite overshadowed by the rookies.

Also, I have faith that the other two branches of government can keep things in order. As far as I'm concerned, we need a definitive change from the current state of affairs. Both tickets promise exactly that. Just let it be November. Heck, let it be January, let's see the change that the winner wants to implement, and let's get the next campaign started four years out this time.

Before Sunrise/Sunset

2008-10-20T23:41:00.006-05:00

For proof that you don't need multimillion dollar special effects to tell a brilliant story:

These are two of the best films I have ever, (repeat: ever) seen, and the continuous dialogue between Delpy and Hawke is more engaging than any Michael Bay explosion. Both films center on a chance meeting between the two. Before Sunrise is in 1995, on their first encounter. They meet on a train to Vienna and are so taken with one another that they agree to spend the next day together before his flight and her next train; the day and night are spent walking around the city sharing a host of intellectual musings. They are clearly perfect for one another but the timing is not.
Before Sunset is the sequel, set one decade later, on a slightly less random encounter. The dialogue takes a new direction, discussing a failed attempt at a reunion, and a second chance at love.
Perfection. Perfect writing, perfect casting, perfect direction. Delpy is a dream, and Hawke complements her well. There is so much truth and transparency in these films. It's no wonder Hollywood can't pick up on them, or that the American people won't drop tens of millions. It's because these films are intelligent, and ask the viewer to invest themselves in the character's lives. If you're a heavy reader of books, I recommend this pair of films highly.

Knowing what you want

2008-10-20T21:49:00.001-05:00

Something about me that often solicits comments from friends: I always seem to know what I want, both short and long term. This isn’t entirely true, but I do admit that my decisions are almost entirely based on getting from a definitive point A to a definitive point B.

Because point B is a little compromised in definitiveness right now, I’ve been mulling on what exactly I do want for the long haul. I’m trying to see how it can all fit together, how it can all be accomplished. Let me paint the picture for you:

• First and foremost: A family. An open-minded wife with a free spirit. Not liberal or conservative, but a thinker, like me. Moderate and mellow. And kids to raise in this fashion. I think having kids would be the most rewarding thing that life can offer. Oh, and ideally my wife will have similar career interests as me, or is at least ambitious in her own career. I want to split parenting 50/50 across the board.
• Locale: Well, I’m not entirely stoked about moving to LA. For now, I see the move as temporary, perhaps just a few years. Long enough to build contacts and expand my role in the industry elsewhere (read: NY, San Fran, Seattle, Chicago, Boston, Europe, Australia). Because I’d like to travel more and live in a number of places before I ultimately “settle down”, I don’t see how I’ll last in LA all that long, unless something wholly promising or addictive keeps me there. Who knows, I could always return. I’m just not ready to stand still, and I may as well move somewhere that requires a vehicle while I still have the current one and am paying loans on it.
• Work: I’d like a job that travels. Film festivals would be perfect. Man, if my yearly routine meant Telluride, Cannes, Rome, Berlinale, Sundance, Karlovy-Vary, San Francisco, Toronto, Tribeca… what a life! Or, if I could work on film/tv productions and go on location, I’d simply be beside myself. Travel. Is. A. Must. I expect to travel with my family very often. I want to move a lot, as aforementioned. I don’t care about material things. I want things I can see and remember, not see and keep. If you keep it, then you have to move it when you also move. That’s just annoying.
• Also, I want a career that doesn’t require a résumé. I never want to be concerned about “moving up” or playing politics. That’s just dumb, and a waste of time and friendships.
• I need to write, for the rest of my life. And get skilled in photography. Whenever I die, I want things to have been documented, regardless of anybody ever caring. That is how I find fulfillment—knowing I reflected, shaved off the corners, and drew full circles around my experiences.

As I step into the first phase of the working world, I know I need to build contacts, build a reputation as a hard worker, and get connected from one thing to he next, simply so I can achieve these other things. Ideally the pieces will subsequently fall into place, but I’m leaving room for chance, for fate, for fortune.

I really like my outlook on life at this moment. Yesterday I thought to myself how the place I’m at right now, mentally and spiritually and emotionally, is the most healthy it has ever been. I’m not pessimistic, I am naïve enough to dive off the deep end, I don’t have a lot of chips with which to gamble, and I possess enough fear to take cautious and rational steps. It’s the perfect balance. Translating this to the future would be the icing.

Rollercoasting

2008-10-17T23:40:00.002-05:00

A good day following a bad day can really change your perspective. Life, you're such a tease.

In other news: this is the most perfect season for Kansas weather.

My heart beats on for Lawrence in the fall.

Building immunity

2008-10-17T00:42:00.004-05:00

It's difficult to lay a finger on what I am feeling. I want to be inspired, like I was for so much of this year. But it seems an impossibility with my schedule. When I am not in school, I am at work. When I am not at work, I am exercising or doing homework. When I am not applying myself to either of those, I am relaxing because I need the break.

Work got bad on Wednesday. It isn't worth explaining, but I was basically equated to a worthless, helpless worm by a superior. It's funny how sometimes people see exactly what they want to see. It also doesn't help when said people are potentially bipolar.

Here's what he should have seen: The kid has a table of 11 people, and just got triple-seated on top of that. He's pretty overwhelmed.

Here's what he saw: Why isn't the kid getting waters to his new table? Maybe I should curse at him and remind him how inferior he is.

Boy, waiting tables can teach you a lot. I thought just my host and busing experience for 4 years taught me a lot. I had no idea. And it seems I screw up everything at least once. For instance, last week I shook the iced tea dispenser to see if it was full. To gauge it, I looked through the tiny window on the front. Nothing moved. It's empty, I thought. Well, I was wrong. It was full of water, and because of that, it looked empty through the window, and I set it to fill itself up. I returned 10 minutes later, the whole floor and counter covered in tea. Whoops.

Having a job that I don't necessarily look forward to is also good for me right now. For one, I really need to build up my immunity. I need to walk in, face the fact that somebody doesn't like me for completely illegitimate reasons, and deal with it. Other people like me. Serving tables isn't something I'm very good at, and that's not a major disappointment to me. It just motivates me to get a good job after I graduate; one that caters to my interests and doesn't haunt me when I'm off the clock.

I want to be in control of my mood, and in control of my mind. I also want to be inspired, to come home and feel energized enough to write or read. My free time right now exists to dilute my brain from everything else. My head is on a clock until I get to come home to Sioux Falls in November. This next month is an endurance test.

Woo, fall break. Sooo fun.

For update's sake

2008-10-15T00:19:00.003-05:00

Hi friends and famdamily.
I miss you all.
Going through a hard time.
Paycheck to paycheck.
One journalism class in particular is controlling my life.
Work is OK, I like the people, but don't like waiting tables. It's motivation to move up and out after graduation, to find a real job.
The "real job" part is a real headache. It's hard to network with California folk from Kansas.
Grad school seems sillier than ever to me right now.
I wish I had a girlfriend.
I wish I had a savings account.
I wish I had stability.

I gave up drinking for a while. Partially to save money, but mostly for my immediate health. I feel so much better when I don't drink. It has never been a problem, and I may have a "worthy" beer from time to time. But I'm exercising a lot more and eating a lot better. My mental health is great, save for the ruminating I do about 2009.

Let me reiterate,
I miss you all.

What has happened to me?

2008-09-26T23:43:00.005-05:00

I couldn't do it. It was an hour ago, and I made it as far as the doorstep of my friends' apartment for their party. But I couldn't go in. Things have felt so different with this group of friends lately. It seems impossible to pinpoint my exact sentiment.

My being gone for 8 months can't have strengthened our friendship. I've been drifting from these people for the past couple years. Yet year after year, they stay as close as ever. I'm thrilled for them, because they're all perfect for one another. And they're great people; they can make the most fun of the simplest situations. But it just feels like the whole "group mentality" issue I had with my European group. When the whole bunch is together, I can't stand it. People fight for attention in trivial ways, and missing one or two events is like missing an episode of your favorite sitcom: good luck catching up on your own.

A few people have noticed my quieter nature when I do show for events. There is nothing to hide. Yeah, I feel different. Not in the big picture, but in respect to these people. And they are different, too. They have introduced new faces to the group, and I probably am the foreigner to the new majority.

Yet, on an individual level, I feel fine with any of them. And I remember why I like them so much. Something about me just twitches in large groups, when the same faces are always present time and time again. I need constant change, or a short-term deadline. Four years is far too long. It is almost incestual, too. Most people in this group have "history" with at least 2 others at any given function. Yikes. Not for me.

So, instead I drove home. I feel like an ass for not going in; I got as far as the doorstep. The 8 a.m. shift at work tomorrow was on my mind, and I seemed to value quiet over noise for the evening.

I hope their speculation isn't that I'm "too good". And even so, it's fine if they think that. Enough of them know me too well to make such a hasty conclusion. In fact, I think a lot of them know me better than I know myself right about now. That may be the core of it all!

Cucumbersone

2008-09-21T20:34:00.003-05:00

Let my pain serve as a warning:
When tempted for a healthy midnight snack, do not opt for a whole cucumber. Even if you slice it, it will feel like a whole cucumber once it makes its way out.

Oh, did I say once it makes it way out? Try twice. Maybe thrice.

Lurch. Feeling gassy, 24 hours later.

Money, Reality, Crap

2008-09-20T00:20:00.002-05:00

I do not know what to do next semester. I need to look harder, dig deeper. I can not afford hardly anything, but in terms of weighing money and potential, I can not afford to stay in Kansas any longer than January 31.

Postgrad...

2008-08-31T21:27:00.003-05:00

Looking heavy into overseas stuff-- temp work. I need to explore the world more. London looks increasingly ideal. Expensive, but I'd be getting paid on the pound. I'm not ready to get into a career yet, and I almost want to treat myself to an adventure for graduating a semester early. I am not finishing early to start the rest of my life. I'm finishing early because I have the credits and it seems silly to pay for classes that I don't need. I missed a lot of things in Europe. I'd like to see more.

A year after Telluride...

2008-08-28T00:31:00.002-05:00

Enjoying Lawrence. Way more than I expected to enjoy it. I got a job (not working for another week-ish), am living carefree, exercising daily, have the easiest class schedule ever (Tuesdays and Thursdays 11-345), and am basking in life's awesomeness. Taking a break from screenplays for a bit, because I deserve to milk this last semester.

Right now I'm contemplating next semester a lot. I really want to look at something international. I'm not concerned about making money, but moreso about breaking even. I can't lose money over the 6 months following graduation, and I absolutely have to do something exciting and new.

Telluride FIlm Fest is tomorrow. At least that's when the symposium kids show up. I am real depressed not to be there this year; looking back at this whole last year, of all the places I traveled and all the "bests" of my life that occurred... I still think that the week in Telluride was the best of them all. THe single best experience, and the most definitive. I'll be following religiously to scope out the films they're showing and the coverage the fest receives. My heart is in the mountains.

Sorry it's been almost a month. Sorry that's likely the pattern now.

The inevitable arrival of August the Third

2008-08-03T20:23:00.005-05:00

This day had to come. August 3 has been hunting me for months; I knew it as the day that would bring normalcy back to my life—unwelcome normalcy.
But I suppose it's needed normalcy, too. I've been on this roller coaster high for all of 2008, and it's time to seal the deal back in Kansas and sniff out new opportunities.
This final week has been stellar and perfect. I had two buddies from school drive out here—yes, drive— and they crashed for a week. I originally thought "One week? We'll run out of things to do." But no. They rested up after an early Sunday arrival and immediately thereafter we found ourselves in Berkeley, walking past tree sitters and pot clouds to see James Taylor. James Taylor! What a perfect soundtrack to my last week. His songs are so perceptive and insightful; it was the best medicine for my last hurrah.
And so, while I worked the next three days, they did personal things and typical San Fran sights, and we collaborated after work for various city cultures. I think I ate every type of Asian cuisine this week, all delicious, and the guys certainly got an accurate taste of the local offerings.
Wine country was a highlight also. I forgot to mention that my friend Ashley from school also was in town; while her host went to work, the 4 of us ventured north on Thursday into Sonoma and hopped from one vineyard to the next. I've got a new appreciation for wines, even after being in Italy and France. These were the best I've tried, no doubt.
And just like that, the guys were off yesterday. Not before a KU gathering at our house on Wednesday, or before hitting the Mission nightlife with an old high school friend from Stanford and a new San Fran friend just moved in from Harvard. We were a random group, 3 guys, 2 girls, from various corners of the map, consuming the night away and having contests for hitting on people in the bars.

The past two weeks have been hard for goodbyes. Just like it was hard to leave Paris or Florence behind, it is more difficult to put this behind. I keep thinking to myself—as friendly faces turn the other way and disappear—is that the last I'll see him or her? Along those lines, I have tried savoring every bit of this summer in final tones. I've given my peace to the rats, to beautiful River (the 22-month old adorable chatterbox downstairs), the panoramic scene from the roof, friends from work, both employers, and soon, this house, this street, this town. The kids and uncle Mike have been gone for nearly 2 weeks on a cross-country trip, and it was harder for me than for the little ones to say goodbye. To them I was a summer visitor who popped upstairs for a meal each night. But I saw them differently, almost putting myself in their parents' shoes and trying to envision a similar life.
This family has made the biggest difference in my life at a point where a difference was needed... my Aunt Amy is a queen. She is so regal, the most selfless woman there was, and I see myself in her so much in terms of ethics, humor, and character. She is certainly my mother's sister, and her parents' daughter. Amy was the hardest, most brief goodbye. After our "Last Supper" (in which Amy artfully explained how to eat grilled artichokes), a taxi collected her things, and whisked her away for her trip to meet the family in New England. A single "thank you" escaped me as she climbed into the taxi, but what other words could I have said?

It's been a quiet last day. Packing, cleaning, checking off my to-do list. Had lunch with work friends. Work's last week was a hectic story also. Without elaborating on private matters, I learned a helluva lot about the real world in a matter of 5 days, and will remember it differently than the rest of my time spent at the internship. I'm excited, however, to see how the company develops in the next year, as I suspect big things from those hardworking people. The film internship ended strong, and I am grateful for the friends and insight that the job offered.
Oh, I got a new computer and iPod. They're awaiting me back home. And my camera died yesterday. Hopefully my car or some other gadget doesn't follow suit. But I'm really just sitting around until my flight, quietly reflecting on this past summer, looking forward to a week at home, and then discovering how things will take shape back at school.
And in five months, I'll be at an entirely different crossroad. Oy.

Life Support

2008-07-23T11:37:00.002-05:00

My computer crashed, seemingly. It won't start up, but it turns on to at least think about it. I've tried every one of Apple Support's suggestions.

Most of my things are backed up. Nothing from SF, although a lot of that is on flickr, facebook, or youtube. I emailed my screenplay stuff to myself a while ago, and have only made minor changes since. My music is gone. Thousands of songs, hundreds of dollars of music. And so many programs I have downloaded. And all of my summer school material. Good news there is my paper was due yesterday and I already submitted it.

Maybe it can revive itself. I was hoping to pay off my car loan. Looks like I'm getting a new computer instead. Luckily Michael has a computer down in the studio here for the meanwhile.

Upset, but calm.

On Brett Favre

2008-07-16T22:18:00.005-05:00

I love you Brett Favre. Nobody knows me and doesn't know that. But on your recent indecisiveness, oh man.
It kills me so much to say this, but you need to be done. Your legacy is in Green Bay. Your reputation as the potential greatest, your humility and your honor all lie in this debacle. You retired. After years of "will he or won't he?", you hung it up. You came back many times after the critics told you to sit down. You fought through injury, through personal grief, through steel defenses, and you proved that, even at 38, you could be the best. And you damn near won another Super Bowl this year.
And coming off one of your best seasons ever, you said "That's it." You could have come back to the cheers and support, but you bowed out gracefully. And now you're giving the young kid a shot. The kid who was the 2nd QB drafted three years ago, who has played just a few times underneath you. Good for you, good for him.
But now... you regret retiring! After all of it, after making this monumental decision that was upon you year after year after year, you want to come back? And since Green Bay is ethically doing the right thing by supporting Rodgers, you want to be traded?! To a different team!? Your legacy is here. Your antics are tearing apart this team, this community, and dampening your successor's start. Please, Brett. You are my idol. But you need to sit down and shut your trap.

I want to remember you like this:

And not like this:

...much less in another team's uniform.

Your legacy. Your poor, poor legacy.

MASSIVE update (Life is Good)

2008-07-12T22:46:00.015-05:00

Welp, this one's overdue, and only a reminder of why I'll be done blogging for some time after summer. You just wear of it. I feel like my life is back in regular, forward motion. No more dreamworld like Europe or the start of San Francisco. Adventures are always a part of life, but the ones now are not detours, and it was the detours that seemed blogworthy.

Lots of pictures in this post. It's a mess, so I'm apologizing now.

Here's the panoramic from the rooftop of our house in SF. It's the highest point from the bay up to that point, so it's just a fantastic scene. Getting up on the roof is one of my favorite things lately. Just nursing a beer, iPod in ears, reading my homework or contemplating. It's like that James Taylor song. Speaking of James Taylor, I'm seeing him on July 27, thanks to Aunt Amy. We'll be catching him in Berkeley. How terrific.

The Chaunce-factor came for my birthday/the 4th for a little vacation. It ended up being a vacation for the whole family as we turned this city inside out. We did what seemed like everything San Franciscan, and it was the week that I will remember most fondly about the summer. Chauncy gave me some sort of revitalization in my summer. He's got an honest appreciation toward life, and I think my attitude was turning south for a few weeks. I'm feeling quite optimistic lately, and have been branching out more this past week since his departure. Not letting homework always be an excuse not to go out. I went to Berkeley to meet up with a friend on Friday, met up with some Kansans last night for an evening that went until 4 a.m., and woke up at 9 for brunch with a work friend. Just trying to enjoy these last few weeks differently than the first two months. TWO MONTHS. Wow, it's been that long? It's gone fast, because the work week goes fast once it's broken by my two different internships. I've been very reserved socially until now, which I do not regret. It's what I needed, a small detox. But now I'm all about keeping as few excuses and enjoying the scene while I have it.
Here's Chauncy, the twins and me on my 22nd:

He and I took to the roof for a brewsky. Apologies for the incredibly lame pose, but not apologizing for the stellar jacket I found in the relatives' closet. Woooooo. This scene extends to the right of the panoramic above. Yeah, you can see just about everything from that roof.
On the 4th, we dangled out the windows looking toward the bay, watching the fireworks. Well, it was so foggy that it ended up looking like Bombs in Baghdad, as Chauncy cleverly noted. Which made the fact that I backdropped the scene with Ray Charles' "America the Beautiful" all the more ironic. But it felt very cinematic, you know? It was a terrific moment to experience, all of us sticking out the open window, the hazy fog rolling in and illuminated, with dozens of neighbors out on their rooftops, hearing the faint sounds of Ray Charles celebrating out nation.

Oh yeah, and the family took me to the pride parade a few weeks back. It wasn't as eye-opening as I expected, but there were the occasional crazy people, which made it a great afternoon. Here's a goofy character biking down Market Street.

It was also Alcatraz round 2 when Chaunce was in town. I had just as much fun as the first time I took to the island. It's a great experience, and what a wonderfully-preserved place. The guest author on the Rock that day is actually a friend of my Study Abroad teacher. She moved to Lawrence after leaving Alcatraz; her dad was assistant to the warden when she grew up. Neat stuff, how our world is so small. Even isolated islands like Alcatraz provide connections.

You can't leave SF without a good dose of Chinatown. Check out the seafood and live animals. This doesn't even show off the turtles, frogs, eels, carved pigs, lizards on a stick, etc. Sheesh. Hard to stomach, any of that food... but eye candy nonetheless.

And ever wonder how they make fortune cookies? This video cost me a 50-cent donation, so the production value is infinitely higher than the others. Definitely watch it, make my investment worthwhile. Perhaps my first produced film? Ha!

So on that topic--producing--that's a relevant turn. I'm looking into that avenue of film a lot more. It plays to my natural and educational skillsets, and it stresses me much less than screenwriting. Of course, I'm still very much into screenwriting and I'm keeping the hobby up, but I think I'm going to let my future in the industry take its own shape. See where it leads me, trust my instincts. That being said, I still think Grad School is a viable option, and it will be heavily considered, but I also have faith that I can tackle things myself. I've been stressed a lot less lately--almost not at all. I'm 22 years old, for Pete's sake. By the time I'm 50, I'll have had 28 years in the industry, ideally. I'm not even 28 yet. And I feel good about the people I will meet, the work I will do, the ethics I will carry. It'll be fine. It will be.

To show how stress-free I am lately, here's me holding rats. Yes, rats. The twins have 2 rats that I was not particularly fond of at first. But they're growing on me, save for the time they peed on my khakis and pooped on the couch when I was holding one. They're wily critters, but friendly and pretty fun. Here's one that crawled into a tube sock after we played "Laundry Sock Go-Fish" to help Amy find mates for each of the dozens of socks on top of her drier.

And here's Estelle imitating the rats. She's in North Dakota with Eddie right now, and they call every day asking to talk to the rats. The rats- Herb and Mo- aren't entirely talkative. Mostly just hungry and jumpy. Good for....

...letting them crawl in your shirt! It tickles. A lot. And sometimes they inadvertently scratch you in the process, but it's still a trip. We did some family Olympics with the kids when Chauncy was here, and one of the events was standing on one foot with rats in your shirt. Chauncy and I squared off in the final, and neither of us cracked, despite laughing fits. We called a draw.

Uncle Mike asked how we could make Chauncy remember his last day in the city, to contrast it against the rest of the eventful week- we had done a Giants game, all the city sights, a comedy show on my birthday (thanks Ma and Pa!), Napa country, Alcatraz, et al. Well, Chauncy and I took Eddie and Robert to Hooters down by the bay. Nobody ordered milk or chicken breasts (hold the chicken), but it was still a fun time watching the little guys act like big guys. It was my first time ever at Hooters, and our waitress certainly was memorable.

Well, to truly commemorate Chauncy's last day, Michael picked us up after Alcatraz in the Rolls Royce. Yeah, he's got a Rolls convertible stored away in the garage. Man. You should have seen Chauncy and me, trying not to make eye contact with pedestrians and other drivers, but hoping they were staring, gawking, or eying us jealously. That. Car. Is. Delicious. Here's us driving around the town, toward the GG Bridge or through the rolling hills of Pac Heights and the woods of the Presidio. Chauncy will definitely be remembering that afternoon, as will I.

So there it is. Things are going great. Internet classes are boring, but everything else falls into place just fine. I've now officially less than 3 weeks left on this sojourn. It's surreal. Kansas looks like death right now. But it's only 4 months, and the golden life lies just beyond those rectangular months. I'll be appreciating my last semester just like I'm enjoying these last few weeks here. Life is always good. There is always goodness, even in downturns and disbeliefs.

JPG Blog 21 & 22 & 23 & 24 & 25 & 26 & 27 & 28 & 29

2008-07-10T03:10:00.002-05:00

21: JPG-Worthy Celebrities

22: Photo Challenge Selections: Spiral

23: Photo Challenge: Long Exposure

24: Photo Events: This Weekend and Beyond

25: Geometry Upgrade + McCain and Obama Features

26: Photo Challenge Selections: Writing on the Wall

27: Photo Challenge Selections: Long Exposure

28: Photo Challenge: Splash!

29: New Theme: Paradise

For Donna

2008-07-06T03:41:00.005-05:00

Is it possible to adore someone you haven't officially met? This post is for Donna, because she is one great Mom, one great woman, one wonderful human being. She is Amy's mom, and when Amy and I were in Europe, Donna and I had a few Skype conversations. She's been a good reader, a nice reassurance in my life, always looking out for me like I was her own.

Well, Donna, the fact that you would trust my favorite book and check it out from the library... just the icing on the cake! You deserve a shout out in a blog that needs an update. I guess eventually, an update on life will be due, especially since my cousin is in town for my birthday/the holiday, and I've had an outstanding weekend, with more adventures to come. There are a few changes in my personal life, too, in what I want to accomplish and in what I foresee this upcoming spring.

But in the meantime, for Donna, here: I love you just as I love your charming, beautiful daughter, and I'm not afraid to say it about the both of you!

Not because I'm worried about helmet hair

2008-06-30T03:38:00.003-05:00

I am... stuck. I think it's because I'm so used to living my life months, even a year in advance, and I suddenly can't see past 2008. For the first time in a long time, I am truly scared. I like this current stage of life, with no major commitments and few responsibilities. Graduating in December is exciting, but there's this growing sense of helplessness that has planted itself in my brain.

Maybe I should be stoked instead. Anxious may be the best word. Obviously I trust myself. It just feels like the first time I rode my bicycle without Dad's help. I wasn't wearing a helmet (he would have made me), and crashed into the Phillips Avenue and 30th Street sign. I still have the scar on my forehead, but also remember the dozens of people who stopped their cars to help a kid in need.

I don't plan on wearing a helmet this time, either. Please, life, spare me your damn scars.

Fireworks need not wait until July 4

2008-06-22T02:58:00.003-05:00

I contemplated a lot today. Lately that's my favorite thing to do. Be alone, play good music, and think. I climbed to the roof of the building and sat for an hour or so, dangling my feet over the edge, overlooking the bay and miles of the beautiful town... clearing my head, sorting things out, just defragging my life.

When I climbed down, the wind had blown the window shut, and I couldn't get back in. My family is out of town this weekend, so I was stranded on the ledge of the window. Luckily, the neighbor below had her window open, so I shimmied down the balcony to her deck, and yelled in her apartment so as not to seem like a burglar. Nobody responded back, so I was faced with my only option. Run through her apartment, quickly and efficiently (while the dog barked at me), and find myself at the front door of my family's apartment. Whew! Made it clean.

And tonight I sat in the windowsill, feet dangling below, listening to a mix of Patty Griffin, Coldplay, Duffy, Amos Lee, anybody accommodating to my mindset. That's what this summer is about. Not meeting hundreds of people, building a network here, or rooting myself whatsoever. It's about clarity. I always need a balance in my life, and this summer balances the 3 months I spent with no obligations in Europe. Even though I'm living a dream of a life in SF, I'm not into the nightlife or youth culture this summer. I'm into laying low, finding equilibrium, saving my energy for a final hurrah in Lawrence.

Well, I'm starting page 1 of my new screenplay, tentatively titled Gateway (formerly "Nontraditional"). It's a big deal to be writing the actual script, as it has been months of mental planning and notes, followed by the outlining and hundreds of note cards.

Appropriately, someone just illegally shot off about 30 fireworks a few blocks away. The explosive, dazzling kind that you see on July 4th... how convenient; they're celebrating my new screenplay as well!

A sporadic update (reader be warned)

2008-06-19T02:33:00.003-05:00

It's been some time since I've checked in. Here's a bulleted list of the past 10 days. It was a monumental 10 days, to some degree.

Got the worst sunburn of my life. My back has been peeling for a week. I feel like I have molted entirely.
Both internships are going well. It takes a few weeks to slide comfortably into a place, I feel. Now that I know the personalities and the routine of both, I can act like myself and am entirely comfortable at each. My week is a perfect balance of film and creativity.
Brother Sam got in a bike accident on the trails. Jaw broken in 3 places, stitches across the chin, looks like he got dragged through the forest. Staying optimistic, despite missing many teeth. I love you, kiddo. Hang in there.
LA... ok this deserves its own category. I finally made it to Los Angeles. I stayed with my friend Zach, who goes to USC. We did some cliche things, like Hollywood or Santa Monica, and I saw a handful of celebrities, all accidentally, but LA just felt right. My trip was a bit customized to the college student and won't be a perfect depiction of life there, but I'm about 90% positive I'll be headed there in January. There is so much to do there, and being with Zach and his film buddies was H-e-a-v-e-n. They talk about film, about making films, seeing films, and they talk about sports, and girls, and drinking, and having fun. I want all that!
My Aunt set us up with this filmmaker who had a lot of good, bad, and altogether honest things to say about the industry and the town. He was very encouraging, though, and jolted me with confidence and inspiration. He graduated in 2000 with a physics degree, then just moved to LA to pursue his dream. He's 31 now, graduated from SC's producer program (which I'm likely applying for, as my thoughts on my career have altered slightly in the past month; really I just want more control of my career and am considering producing on top of writing), and now he's directing commercials, making a good living and still living his passion. Sigh of relief. It's a dog-eat-dog town, but people are living there, and they're happy and lack major regrets. My melodramatic mindset can rest for a while.
Since returning to SF, I have outlined my entire screenplay, which is 50 pages. Not full pages. If condensed, it's probably 20 pages or so, but they're broken into scenes. I'll probably be writing the first draft as of this weekend. That's the happiest news of all. And I'm way more confident in this script than the first one. I'm learning as I continue to write. What a novel concept.

OK, enough. To be honest, reader (yes, that was singular), I'm getting tired of this blog. I anticipate making it private at summer's end, once school is on the horizon. It has lost its original identity, I have lost my craving to update little details, and I am realizing how easily traceable each post can be to the subjects. I'd hate to be incriminated for anything I ever bitched about.

OK, enough from me. Gotta hit the pillows.

JPG Blog 16 & 17 & 18 & 19 & 20

2008-06-19T02:29:00.002-05:00

16: Giving Props Where Props are Due

17: Photo Challenge: Spiral

18: We haven't forgotten you... (holler at Jenny C!)

19: Photo Challenge Selections: Close Call

20: Photo Challenge: Writing on the Wall

JPG Blog 12 & 13 & 14 & 15

2008-06-09T02:42:00.002-05:00

12: Manhattanhenge Followup

13: Photo Challenge: Workspace Selections

14: JPG in Atlanta (and Portland... again!)

15: LOOK3 Festival of the Photograph: ticket giveaway

The Unusual Truth About Sydney and Steve

2008-06-08T18:20:00.003-05:00

When twin 9-year olds are involved in any situation, things are immediately made more interesting. Especially when one likes telling stories and giving human names to everyday objects.
This is the true story of Sydney and Steve, two snails retrieved from the dirt in our backyard one sunny Sunday afternoon.
---
Snail 1 and Snail 2 were discovered separately among the dirt and shrubs.

Snail 1 and Snail 2 were named Sydney and Steve, respectively.

Sydney and Steve were brought onto the brick patio and made to race. Sydney was the favored racer.

Instead, Steve mounted Sydney and they began fornicating.

Upon human interference into their cornucopia of love, the race continued. Sydney, as predicted, was the victor.

A curious bird, Elaine, mounted the fence over the gardens, peering down at the scene.

Elaine was hungry. She swooped in and snatched Steve, rolling him around, then clinching him in her beak before disappearing for her snack.

Sydney could only wait for a similar, depressing fate. No human interference would help her.

Five minutes passed, and sure enough, Elaine returned.

Sydney got the soccer ball treatment while hiding in her shell.

Elaine persisted. Sydney got swallowed.

It's the circle of life. Pregnant, victorious, and dead, all in 30 minutes.

Pixar Perfect

2008-06-08T02:46:00.003-05:00

As it should have, the Pixar screening went well. Their studio is huge and amazing and wow. Very humbling to be there, seeing the first "civilian" screening of the film. It's a great show, by the way. I recommend it on the idea of two robots in love, both with a five or six word vocabulary. But the entire story is in typical Pixar fashion; maybe "cute" is the right word? They do a neat job of pulling a story almost solely on characterization and sound effects. Speaking of sound, we got a demonstration from their foley artist (aka sound effects guy, he's done most of Lucas' works of late) and he imitated a lot of the robot noises, background sounds, laser effects (it's so inventive, almost too obvious sometimes).
I didn't pull any Spielberg tricks and break the law for the sake of a budding career, but I got the vibe that this is the best place to work, for any person. OK, no surprise.
Maybe I'm a little bitter now that I'm not interning there. Bitter is the wrong word. I'm thrilled with what I'm doing. But I'm justified in being wholly jealous.

Helped by a swift kick

2008-06-05T22:23:00.005-05:00

Today I really upset myself. There was an excellent opportunity in front of me and I passed it up.
Luckily, I had some smart people around me to knock some sense into my head.

There's an advanced screening of "WALL-E" at Pixar Studios this Saturday. Tickets are exclusive and cost upwards of $100. It includes a Pixar tour and a Q&A with the filmmakers. Of course, I did apply for an internship there and had no luck (certainly no bitterness; they probably had 100s of applicants), but this is a pretty sweet gig going on, and the Film Society got a few tickets for staff and interns. My boss offered me one, but I didn't think getting to Emeryville seemed feasible (it's a suburb of San Fran where Pixar is located). I declined the invite, citing that I would see the film eventually and it wouldn't be worth the hassle to get out there.

After a swift kick in the pants, my boss told me how opportune this was, and how I'd be stupid to pass it up (she phrased it nicely). Truthfully, what in the hell was I thinking? I should do whatever it takes to get out there, because A) I need to experience more of these things and capitalize on my ever-so-small film network, B) I'd love to work in an environment like Pixar and seeing the studio can only validate that and C) don't I need to be more ambitious and gutsy in this arena? Shouldn't I be seizing every opportunity for backstage access? People aren't going to hold my hand forever.

So I'm going. This Saturday. I got a ride--I guess I didn't think I knew anyone in the office well enough to ask for a ride. But I'm so stoked, so unbelievably excited for it. This is why I came out here this summer, isn't it? For these opportunities?
(yes)

Ugly Naked Guy

2008-06-04T01:00:00.004-05:00

How am I like any of the characters from "Friends"? Well, sure I have 5 great "roommates" just upstairs, and yeah I live in an apartment that I totally can't afford with my work, but the real answer is that we have our very own "Ugly Naked Guy". Yep. Just look out the window of the kitchen to the next unit, and this dude always sits buck nekkid (shirtless at the very least) on his computer, oblivious to his presence in our life.

It's gross.

Watch this video from "Friends".

Better than Amy Winehouse?

2008-06-04T00:20:00.003-05:00

I open myself up to debate. I can't take my ears off Duffy's album, Rockferry. You may know her from her first American single "Mercy", but you have to get the whole disc.

Here's my favorite song (or favourite as the Brit crooner might say). It's tough to pick a favorite track, they're so spellbinding. Viva la bop.

I present to you "Warwick Avenue", by Duffy. Great video. Great, great, great.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

2008-06-02T20:30:00.003-05:00

Summer school starts today. Whoop whoop! Time to try this whole distance learning, Internet course thing. It didn't get off to a good start.
Any Office 2007 users out there? Not many, I presume. The upgrade from 2003 wasn't entirely necessary, so nobody really had to change. Well, my professor uses 2007, and he posted all our assignments online for us to download, fill out, and later upload.
See, the difference between Office 2007 and 2003 is that the files have separate extensions—they're different files altogether. 2007 files have a .docx extension, and 2003 has .doc. You follow? His files were all .docx, but 90% of the world has a computer that will only open .doc. If you open the file in 2003, it looks like a bunch of pish-poshed symbols.
I emailed him about the matter, and pinpointed exactly what had happened. Office 2007 fortunately allows its users to save a file with the .doc extension as well, which would be on his end of the bargain. I couldn't find any active links online that did the conversion for free for Macs, only one from Microsoft for Windows. Here was his response to my email:

I would have to go in and save every file in double format and I think you need find a way to accommodate the system and not the other way around. I am not going to change the formatting.

Ohh, really? So my paying $600 for this class, and your being salaried means it is my responsibility to be able to open the documents you post? And you think I'm the only one who will have this problem? Chyeah. Just wait, teach.
Because I'm taking extra care to watch my tongue and think things out lately (humility is important, I'm learning), I left his ridiculous email unanswered. I was, however, very very frustrated.
My beloved sister volunteered to convert the files for me, to which I thanked her graciously, but alas, she would not have to. Soon, the professor sent the entire class an email which read as follows:

You may notice that several of the assignments have two links and others only one link. The reason is that some of the links were in docx Word 2007 format and some students were unable to open such files so I added a doc Word 97-2003 link. You only need to open one link per assignment.

Oh, curious, Professor. You don't say.
And I got one address solely to me:

I may have reacted too quickly. I have added a doc file to those assignments that had docx.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Validation Weekend

2008-06-01T23:31:00.005-05:00

So Kevin came this weekend, and everything went swimmingly. In between adventures including Alcatraz, the Giants game, and much delicious food, I really felt grownup these few days. Similar to how I felt in Austin in April.
See, a friend from work invited us out this weekend. She started a few days after me and we hit it off on that basis. I invited her to lunch with me and the other intern, and she in turn invited Kevin and me out last night with her, her boyfriend (side note: he's a Brit with the most dank accent, ever... where can I find me one of those accents!?), and her other friends. And here's what felt good about it: they're all older, like in the range of 5-15 years older, and nobody cared that we were still in college. I felt validation for why I want out of school so badly. See, I want to enjoy my youth, but not the way college requires. I want an urban job, I want city friends, fast life, 6-packs on the patio. I want income, not debt, and an optimistic job outlook. All of these people have that. Some were married, most had significant others, all have security in their futures, whether they were still in grad school, trying new careers, or settled into a long-term field. It felt right, I felt happy, and the night felt monumental in some odd way.
I got another glimpse into how I want my life to narrow itself, and why graduating as soon as possible is important. Kansas is not where my head is at, nor will it ever be there.
Tonight it was in Telluride, as I scanned through old photos of my week spent watching films in the mountains. That trip was the single most monumental experience of my years, because I built a dozen lifetime friendships on the basis of passion for film. To quote what I wrote in the description of a photo album, it was "the week I learned that everything is going to be alright, no matter what happens."
I feed off these validations, like seeing how successful my aunt is out here after coming from her humble North Dakota roots. You need camaraderie like I had yesterday and in Telluride, you need the passion, the drive, the desire, the way my aunt started with nothing but a degree, but also her family's support, and now has so much in her life. The support got her by, she had it from her parents and siblings, and now has it from her husband and children. And she gives as much support in return, so selflessly.
And I think you need a pinch of neglect. To say that maybe today isn't where you want to be, but enjoy where you are until tomorrow, and then you can right the wrong.
I'm so nervous about this fall. It's going to be four months of tomorrows. After all that, I'd like many years of yesterdays.

JPG Blog 5 & 6 & 7 & 8 & 9 & 10 & 11

2008-05-30T17:45:00.003-05:00

5: To mimic is to flatter

6: Stories beyond the photos

7: Photo Challenge: Wardrobe Remix Selections

8: More Polaroid Favorites!

9: Photo Challenge: Neighborhood Park

10: Attention New York—Manhattanhenge is today and tomorrow

11: Feeling welcome in the world of JPG

Baffling

2008-05-29T02:48:00.003-05:00

There are times where I sit in front of my computer for hours trying to brainstorm or organize the elements to a brewing screenplay. Months of formulating the details in my head need to pour out onto the blank screen. It's tough work.
Last night, I half-consciously plotted the last 2/3 of my story in under an hour, just jotting down what seemed natural and necessary. I followed a low point with a high, then another low, and a high. Characters hit arcs, got their payoffs, the story rounded itself out. Sure, most of the work was done over the past few months, but to flesh it out, especially in my tired, beaten mindset, finally brings me solace. Usually ideas sound good in your head but read poorly on the page. I think this one's gonna read much cleaner than the last one.
...And now I get to start online classes on top of a full work week. The procrastination's gonna have to stop, or else my screenplay will continue to be a mere beat outline in 2 months' time.

No nuggets for me

2008-05-26T19:17:00.007-05:00

In 1849, this area was filled with people panning for gold nuggets. 159 years later, it's still pretty easy to find nuggets. However, these are different nuggets. Magical nuggets. Nuggets that are offered to you if you walk around Golden Gate Park. Nuggets that don't make you rich, unless you're the one selling them. Nuggets that you don't get at McDonald's or in the sands of the bay. Four times today I got offered nuggets by the seediest characters. Unlike the 49ers of yesteryear, I refrained from capitalizing on these nuggets. I think my destiny lies elsewhere.
Perhaps in synchronized roller skating? Also found in Golden Gate Park.

What a loopy day! My friend Jenny from KU--she is on the rise at Facebook, graduated '07 and commutes to Palo Alto each day. She knows the Haight/Golden Gate area well. She doesn't socialize with the nuggeteers, though.We opted for skewers and slushies.

Oh, and this one's for Caitlin. Man, I love this city!

The world is getting smaller... also, my butt cheeks

2008-05-26T02:20:00.004-05:00

Slowly, steadily, familiar faces are coming into view. Some in the shape of old friends passing through town, like my friend Holly who visited this past week, or my best bud in the whole world Kevin who is stopping through next weekend. Tomorrow I'm meeting a KU friend for lunch; she moved out here a year ago. I knew doing this whole thing "alone" would be difficult in missing friends. At least in Europe I had 25 KU kids along with me, you know?
But the beauty of this experience is that I'm really not doing it alone at all. I think yesterday I met 7 or 8 of my aunt's good friends and carried quality conversations with each. Aunt Amy even set me up to meet her friend's niece for lunch today. This girl is in the same boat as me, living with relatives and experiencing SF life. However, she's been here almost a year, so she showed me lots of ins and outs of the Embarcadero neighborhood after we ate in Chinatown. I anticipate meeting up with her again; see, already I'm branching out... with help! The relatives are captaining this vessel I call my body, and they're experienced in the SF waters.
But I don't want to branch out too much. I like being "long lost big brother" to the three kids, skirting off to a little league game or watching a movie they picked out (Legally Blonde and Dirty Harry were this week's selections). It's nice to have the familiar faces here and there to remind me of Kansas, but truthfully, I kind of like starving myself of that commodity. It's only practice for the future.
One week in and it feels like it's been a month. I mean that in a good way. So much has occurred in the past 8 days that it would normally occupy multiple weeks. I'm meeting people, learning about film festivals and publishing companies, walking up hill both ways, toning these butt cheeks to chiseled perfection. Just you wait. You'll all want to be my friend again when I'm home.

JPG Blog 1 & 2 & 3 & 4

2008-05-23T14:05:00.005-05:00

I'll be linking my JGP blog posts for easy access. Feel free to check out the entire blog, but here's my current entries.
And oh... got photos? Upload them people! Join JPGmag.com or everywheremag.com and upload your best photos, travel pics, stories, anything! Get published, make $100, subscribe!

Mourning Cornell Capa

JPG celebrity siting

Polaroid Portrait Theme

What's New Theme

That which I wanted...

2008-05-22T01:19:00.005-05:00

...is mine.

The coveted internship with 8020 Publishing I was after is now occupied, and I am so lucky to fill the seat. I'll be editorial intern for JPG Magazine this summer (3 days a week vs 2 with the Film Society), and today was Day 1. The crew was so nice, the staff is so young and hip and creative. My editor is even a fellow Jayhawk (shh, don't tell me that it helped get me the gig; I like to think I earned this one over the last few weeks).

I'll be blogging over there, watching over the 150,000-member online community of photographers and managing a few ditties in between. I'm very excited for a job that doesn't require me to pour anyone any coffee. We sit all day with our AIM windows open, messaging from across the room as we interact over the web site. Today was great. A definite step forward in my own little world.

Check JPG out for yourself, or even 8020's other publication, Everywhere Magazine. This is impressive stuff from very impressive people.

I am Monica Lewinsky, You are Confused

2008-05-20T01:09:00.003-05:00

How am I like the world's most famous intern? Well, while we differ in our personal strategies, our bosses have the same names. At the Film Society, I'm under the lead of Bill and Hilary. Hilary, of course, calls the shots, but Bill is my direct supervisor. I don't demand the same supervision that Monica did; I'm content with press releases, news clippings, and freebies in the form of film screenings.
What a perfect day this was--other than the fog. The fog refuses to vanish, so even though I got as close as 50 yards from the Golden Gate Bridge as I explored the streets and beach before work, I still only saw the bridge itself but not the supports. Things were much more accommodating at the Film offices, though. It's going to be great. I join the crew at an interesting time; since it's a non-profit, there are dozens of interns who help operate. The festival ended a few weeks ago; months of coordination culminated in a successful 51st annual San Fran International Film Fest, but now many of the crew is off to seek other endeavors. So I begin the new transition into the summer and regular season; Festival hoopla will pick up around January, but for now I'll help wrap up the loose ends from the 51st. Everyone met me with a smile and was as helpful as ever; the outgoing interns were exactly that--outgoing. Their sense of humor, as well as their diverse perspectives, made the day. Mostly, I read info packets or perused databases to get a feel for the publicity team; starting Thursday I'll start my first assignment of reeling through over 30 hours of video footage from awards ceremonies, honoree interviews, etc to find highlights and to backup all of the material for archives. That project will last a few weeks, but I'm excited to absorb things that I missed by just a few weeks. It's my own backstage pass into the festival, except I don't have to dress up in a suit and tie for the occasion.
To appropriately conclude the eventful afternoon, I took Lombard Street back home. Lombard is, of course, the world's crookedest street and quite a marvel. My mind was jogging from everything I have had to absorb, back and forth while my eyes spin madly at everything around me. Lombard felt appropriate.
I'm planning when I should waltz into Francis Ford-Coppolla's American Zoetrope or LucasFilms to poke my nose around, ask a few questions. You hear stories about successful filmmakers who "broke in" my literally breaking in to a studio lot to watch the action. I plan nothing illegal, but would love to chat up somebody about my perspective as a college grad looking for work in the field.
Just now, I watched a film that screened at the festival, called "Up the Yangtze". I get to check out most of the films as a perk of working for the Film Society, so keeping entertained with movies won't be an issue this summer. I'm especially thrilled to have access to some films that might not otherwise come my direction. I'm a dire needs of a revamped art-house appreciation. My life is dictated by which mainstream, over-hyped movies come to the Midwest rather than the more genuine, less studio-driven things like Indiana Jones or Iron Man.
Is it ironic that I just said that after talking about snooping around LucasFilms for guidance? Yeah, it is. About as ironic that I'm an intern for Bill and Hilary. Some things you just can't make up. But if there's a functioning road that has 8 sharp turns on one hill, then there's a lot of room for the smaller ironies of this life.

Like a Sponge

2008-05-18T23:17:00.003-05:00

Lots to absorb on this first full day by the bay. I'll get pictures later, but I hope this tour of my living situation appeases you meanwhile.
Walked around the neighborhood, ate like a king, saw cousin Eddie play ball and accompanied the other two to their favorite local dives... all of which have more personality than the entirety of Mass Street. What an authentic city.
Film gig starts tomorrow, with Tuesday's interview to determine a possible second internship. Things are looking up, looking bright. Unlike the fog that settles over the city by midday.

Here I Come

2008-05-16T21:19:00.003-05:00

First time to California -- and for 3 months! Hoping it's like nicotine x10.

What a difference a good camera makes

2008-05-14T01:32:00.004-05:00

Thanks Jenny for letting me schlep around your equipment for a couple days. It meant a lot that you insisted I do it and I didn't even ask you for the favor. It's nice to take some good photos while picking up some basic photography lessons.

Trusting myself

2008-05-14T01:05:00.003-05:00

My problem is that I glorify everything. I blow my life out of proportion, or seemingly do so. Of course, this blog serves to externalize the internal, so realistically I'm just putting down what goes through my head. Readers can say that I over-exaggerate, but in their own heads they are worrying about their similar concerns.

If you pay close attention, you notice that I am so concerned about being happy and being successful by my own definition. Sometimes I don't have the confidence to trust myself.

I need to leave a lot up to fate and work ethic. Whining about my odds or about the future won't get me anywhere. It is imperative to trust day to day decisions and know that in the big picture, those little victories are what equal true happiness and success. Today I told someone that after I graduate, I refuse to take a job that bores me. If I'm always making decisions that better my life and I'm laughing and avoiding stress and I take the mental initiatives to succeed, I will one day look back and be wholly content. I look back now, and I do feel wholly content up to this point. Even the misfires lead to a happier life, because you know how disappointment feels and thus strive for the opposite.

I just needed to externalize this. It's in my head, and it looks good in writing. I promise less melodrama.

A disclaimer, and a family rambling

2008-05-14T00:09:00.004-05:00

As I predicted, the blog is suffering from an identity crisis right now. Hopefully in a week I can pick it up again, or find the motivation to spruce it up with more features, but I hate giving anything half an effort, so if this page starts getting bare, it's because something else is occupying my time... which is good.

On another note, I've been in North Dakota for the past few days. It's so great here. I am reminded why a few years ago I considered coming to Minot State University. I absolutely adore being around my family. This isn't some kiss-ass post because I know they all read this, but I am sincerely writing the truth. Sometimes I get too above myself mentally and find I can be a jerk or big-headed for no reason; I think it's some of the people I spend too much time around at school.

And where I hope to live after graduation, it's easy to get pinheaded because of the people you're around. My family is the kindest bunch of people, and they're all so successful and creative and funny, and most importantly, so loved. It humbles me so much to see these people and to experience their selflessness. My cousins always make time for me, even in their busy schedules and for how popular they are among their local friends. My Grandmas are sweeter than sugar, and always force feed me anything filled with sugar that they no doubt toiled over. My aunts and uncles are role models, both as parents and as motivated individuals. They have raised brilliant kids with warm smiles and infectious personalities, and I consider those kids my best friends. This is true even though I see them once or twice a year. As I go through this life and find friendships fading in and out, it's bliss to hold onto these. I'm afraid of the future and its uncertainty. But I know I want my eventual family to mimic my current family. Above everything else in the world that I ever could work for, I truly want this the most.

I'm going to ask a favor of you. If things ever get gray, and I doubt where I am or what I should do, remind me the one thing I want the most. I experienced it this weekend, and I was as content as I ever remember.

How "Back Dat Ass Up" saved my life

2008-05-03T21:06:00.003-05:00

To know me is to know that I have a pretty bad taste in music. It's improving, honestly. But scan through my iTunes library and you will discover an array of garbage, crap, and backwash. There's some solid stuff in there, some good folk singers or 70s classics, but I won't deny having a dozen or so Britney Spears songs, among other bubblegum fodder.
I enjoy having music for every mood, and that fodder is the right amount of fluff that my mind needs at points. Sometimes I need the mental escape, and having the Pussycat Dolls tell me to "loosen up their buttons"-- or ask me if I wished my girlfriend was as hot as them--is the perfect fit.
And for exercising, my generation doesn't use Van Halen or the Stones for workouts. No, we use Timbaland, Timberlake, Nelly, Nelly Furtado. Rap and R&B are the tunes of the treadmill these days, and I've made an entire iTunes playlist entitled "groove" that hosts all of my songs from these genres. It's what I listen to when I work out, and I just switch to the next song if the current one doesn't match my pace--there are nearly 1,000 songs from which I choose.

So yesterday as I left the house to go for a run, my playlist was a few songs in, since I just finished my stretch. The next song up was "Back Dat Ass Up" by Juvenile. Yes, yes, it's an intellectual song about a gentleman who enjoys the ladies so much that he requests they kindly maneuver their derrières up against him as they dance. Score one for those of you who criticize my songbook; I'm trimming the fat later this week to free up disk space.
Well, I didn't want to hear that song at this particular moment in time, so I stopped to find another. Typically I keep running and switch the tune, but I had just left the driveway and felt no need to begin my run while tampering for the right beat. I estimate being stalled an extra 5 seconds before finding a satisfying choice.

On the very next block, as I grew into my pace, I was halted when an SUV abruptly backed out of its driveway. The driver, a girl from my graduating class, wasn't looking for pedestrians as she "Backed Dat SUV Up", wasn't slowing down, and wasn't apologetic when I glared at her for nearly flattening me. She missed me by a few seconds. Five maybe. To quote Juvenile's lyrics, I wanted to shout "Ho, who is you playin' wit?"
And for once, I can defend my bad taste in music. I can justify having Juvenile in my iTunes library. I am thankful that my playlist wasn't immediately catered to my needs, and that I stalled to find the right fit. Because if not for that fodder, that fluff, that garbage... I'd be flatter than a Britney Spears melody, deader than Tupac or Biggie. Fo' rizzle.

The bug

2008-05-02T17:07:00.004-05:00

All I want to do is travel. Travel, travel, travel. Document it with words, video, photos, forever ingrain it in my head.
Right now I can only think of moving around and seeing new things, trying new foods, meeting new people. The newness excites me. I believe I have come to hate being still. I'm even distracted that I can't think much of films right now.
This is one reason I applied for a few travel/photography-related internships in San Fran. There's so much to see, and it's not all where I am!

Where is everyone?

2008-04-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

Back in Lawrence. It's impossible to get a hold of anybody. I'm creeping on Caitlin as she works on projects at the Art & Design building.
I need more friends like Caitlin, but not too many. What I mean is that I need friends ONLY like Caitlin, and preferably just a handful.
Realizing that most people are likely busy this afternoon, it's still a hard pill to swallow that none of my phone calls went ignored. I'm having difficulty drawing lines between lasting and fading friends.
When your world expands and experiences grow deeper, the thing you want most is for your friendship pool to remain deep enough that a good friend can throw you a life saver, but shallow enough to never be in over your head.

Texas-sized fun

2008-04-27T01:10:00.004-05:00

When I planned my trip to Austin, I assumed that my friend Marcus would be a good host. He was student body VP two years ago and knows all the ins and outs of this town.
Marcus has lived up to the expectation quite selflessly. Ever since he picked me up from Amy's at 4pm on Friday, it's been non-stop Austin insanity.
A lovely bulleted list:

Mexican margaritas: you think you're ordering one margarita, but then they bring you the equivalence of 6 or 7.
Downtown Austin/6th street: A scaled-down Bourbon street, but not so small either. The craziest college nightlife I've witnessed. Among it all: The Dizzy Rooster, popular hangout of the Real World: Austin cast, The Wave, where Marcus and friends bought me a wave shot. The bartender throws water in your face after you take the shot. Clever. The Library--yeah, just tell your parents you're going to The Library on a Friday night. No studying there; cheap Long Islands, though, you're sure to discover.
Juan in a Million: Authentic Texmex breakfast tacos. Lots of food, hardly any money. And owner Juan-- he's got the most memorable handshake I've received.
Canoeing out of Ladybird park: a beautiful day, quiet on the river, so we cast out for an hour.
Eeyore's birthday: Yes, Eeyore. From Winnie the Pooh. Every year there is a birthday celebration to "cheer Eeyore up"; he's obviously depressed and needs the upper. Think along the lines of Woodstock, minus the A-list music talent. Hippies, illegal activities, thousands of crazies just dancing hypnotically. Very odd, but fun(ny) to watch. Keeping Austin weird, those hippies.
San Antonio spur of the moment: Yes, we decided to drive to San Antonio around dinner; it's just an hour outside Austin. Four of us went to the Fiesta celebration downtown, filled with thousands of Mexican-Americans dancing, feasting, rubbing up on one another. After dinner we walked on the Paseo del Rio all the way to the Alamo.

A week ago I was worried that my Austin visit was too long, or completely unnecessary. However, in 4 days I have sat in on grad school film classes, had coffee with a seasoned screenwriter, and experienced the charm of an amazing American town (2 to be exact). I have a lot of questions in the next few months about post-grad life. Although the likelihood of ending up here is slim, I feel a few of those questions are already answered. I need a place like this. It needs character, personality, zest, eventfulness. I need friends like Marcus and Amy and their friends, and have to be as proud as they are of my home.

Four days has been perfect. Not too long, not too short. Half spent with Amy, half with Marcus. Half on campus, half on the town. I'll be returning to Lawrence for a few days, then cooling down back home. This is a time in my life that may never repeat itself; the moving around, seeing new things constantly from a youthful perspective with no responsibilities. I'm scared to let it go soon, but confident that it will help shape the rest of my days.

Isn't it ironic?

2008-04-25T16:04:00.009-05:00

How coincidental that Amy set me up for a coffee meeting with her screenwriting professor yesterday. He and I had so much to talk about, for one because he lives mere blocks away from where I'll be this summer, and secondly, he teaches things like this. He's a resident professor, just at UT for a semester. Reckon I need to keep in touch, which I'll exactly do. He's learned or worked under Minghella, Ridley Scott, Lucas, Disney... writing, directing, acting. Oy. I didn't meet Mike Judge after all, but this is much better. Yes.

Freeloading in Towns with Men's Names

2008-04-24T02:03:00.003-05:00

It's important to always find a theme in your life. What is reoccurring, how can you grow from that cycle?
Right now, my theme is freeloading. I left Sioux Falls last Saturday after a weeklong freeload; coming back home with such a small amount of money, I found that mooching off Mum and Pop was the best solution. But now, I'm in Austin, having flown here today from Lawrence. And the freeloading continues.
Not having any specific agenda is the best life possible. No homework, no bedtime, no job, no responsibility. Sure, there's no income, but seeing friends, enjoying the weather, and flying by the seat of your pants are about as good as life gets. The weather in Lawrence was perfect those first four days. I stayed with Chris, one of my longer-standing KU friends, and he spoiled me rotten with his hospitality. I even came and went with a flexible schedule and saw dozens of friends all over campus or around the town. Mother Nature brought people to Wescoe Beach, Mass Street, and Stauffer Lawn in hundreds. All I had to do was show up and the mental checklist of people to see quickly filled up because everyone flocked to the same place. It felt as if I had never left. However, I did feel the pains of my past political life. I wondered again what it would be like to have all my friends running in the same circle, rather than all of them in different social groups. It gets so taxing trying to hang out with people who don't hang out with one another.
That's how Austin has been a contrast in this first day. My freeload has shifted to my friend Amy, one of my closest buds from Telluride. Tonight I hung out with some UT-film students and teachers--a tight-knit group, right up my alley. Amy has shown me the basics of the city, and tomorrow as she heads off to shoot with the 2nd-crew of Terrence Malick's new picture, I'll mosey around campus and downtown getting a feel for Austin's infamous weirdness. Amy's boyfriend is an animation professor at UT, working on things like this. He's bringing in Mike Judge this weekend, creator of Beavis & Butthead and King of the Hill as well as writer-director of Office Space. I may score the chance to talk with him 1-on-1 this Friday if I'm lucky, but I won't get ahead of myself. Amy is pretty plugged into the UT system, and although I still stand on the fence if I ever intend to do grad school, it's nice knowing that Amy didn't start until she was 27, and that she isn't doing too shabby for herself.
Tonight we sat around nursing beers and playing poker. I felt very grown up, among other film lovers who can laugh at the slightest absurdities. It was my first time playing for money and hey, I doubled my $7 buy-in! Yeah! Yeah!
I'm on my own most of tomorrow. No freeloading until the evening, when I may sit in on some animation talks with Amy's beau, Geoff. I just love being in this atmosphere, around these kinds of people. Everyone does favors for everyone else. I can't wait until I'm in the position to allow others to freeload off of me. Even though I'm homeless right now, I feel like I am richer than any man in any mansion across the world. I have my future in front of me, friends to help who will also help me, and all the potential to work--not freeload--my way to a successful, happy conclusion. Yeah! Yeah!

This is the life

2008-04-21T01:40:00.003-05:00

Other than managing my wallet, it's absolute bliss to have no major agenda, just chumming with friends, conversing over a Boulevard Wheat or ice water. The weather perfected itself the very day I arrived--no coincidence, you know--and I'm just living the carefree, envious, college life for the next week and a half. I find it funny how every hour or so I think to myself "Wow, I'm never like this. Happy, laid back, funny, relaxed". Why can't this be actual life? Why can't this be actual college life? I keep forgetting that everyone has homework, org meetings, exams on their mind. Not me. Eat, sleep, bask, repeat.

Surprisingly Accurate for many I've encountered

2008-04-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

Words actually said by me

2008-04-18T19:00:00.003-05:00

...I would like to take this opportunity to say that I go to the University of Kansas and we are the national champions in basketball.

(followed by a fist pump)

Upon the department store clerk's asking me "What are you in school for?"
Me: "Journalism... (and cue the above)"

Apparently some people just don't care.

Lawrence Lawrence Lawrence
Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow

A Prairie Home X-File

2008-04-18T17:28:00.009-05:00

Exhibit 1: Metal, "permanent" retainer, swallowed by 48 year old female. Two failed hospital visits failed to extract the specimen, thus the female had to pass it through her system. No punctures since reported, miraculously seeing as the specimen is over 1-inch long. All smiles now.

Exhibit 2: Hair strand, extracted from 21 year old male. Subject has Vitiligo, causing white patches to form across the skin. White hair patches are very common. This specimen is white at the tip, but brown at the base and the follicle. This shows that re-pigmentation and possible melanin revitalization in the affected areas. Will white spots disappear? Unlikely, but possible.

The box is open

2008-04-16T13:50:00.004-05:00

If you haven't yet discovered Pandora.com, take a peek. I'm trying to find new music, gain a better appreciation for the small guys. You type in an artist, they play songs very similar to that musician's style. It's personalized Internet radio.
Open the box. Tear it open, no mercy!

It's all coming back to me. So soon.

2008-04-15T17:39:00.005-05:00

About a month ago I wrote about how studying abroad would start following me everywhere, like in the DVDs I watch.
Well, watching Paris, Je'Taime is just asking for flashback memories, but it certainly weighed with me much more on this viewing. Seeing familiar places, knowing lingo or ways of life... the film stole a part of me just as Paris did.
And while loafing around watching Scrubs (my newest addiction), I laughed when JD put "going to the top of the Eiffel Tower" on his list of things to do before you die.
I did that!!! A week ago!!!
I love full circles.