Friday, September 26, 2008

What has happened to me?

I couldn't do it. It was an hour ago, and I made it as far as the doorstep of my friends' apartment for their party. But I couldn't go in. Things have felt so different with this group of friends lately. It seems impossible to pinpoint my exact sentiment.

My being gone for 8 months can't have strengthened our friendship. I've been drifting from these people for the past couple years. Yet year after year, they stay as close as ever. I'm thrilled for them, because they're all perfect for one another. And they're great people; they can make the most fun of the simplest situations. But it just feels like the whole "group mentality" issue I had with my European group. When the whole bunch is together, I can't stand it. People fight for attention in trivial ways, and missing one or two events is like missing an episode of your favorite sitcom: good luck catching up on your own.

A few people have noticed my quieter nature when I do show for events. There is nothing to hide. Yeah, I feel different. Not in the big picture, but in respect to these people. And they are different, too. They have introduced new faces to the group, and I probably am the foreigner to the new majority.

Yet, on an individual level, I feel fine with any of them. And I remember why I like them so much. Something about me just twitches in large groups, when the same faces are always present time and time again. I need constant change, or a short-term deadline. Four years is far too long. It is almost incestual, too. Most people in this group have "history" with at least 2 others at any given function. Yikes. Not for me.

So, instead I drove home. I feel like an ass for not going in; I got as far as the doorstep. The 8 a.m. shift at work tomorrow was on my mind, and I seemed to value quiet over noise for the evening.

I hope their speculation isn't that I'm "too good". And even so, it's fine if they think that. Enough of them know me too well to make such a hasty conclusion. In fact, I think a lot of them know me better than I know myself right about now. That may be the core of it all!

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Let my pain serve as a warning:
When tempted for a healthy midnight snack, do not opt for a whole cucumber. Even if you slice it, it will feel like a whole cucumber once it makes its way out.

Oh, did I say once it makes it way out? Try twice. Maybe thrice.

Lurch. Feeling gassy, 24 hours later.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Money, Reality, Crap

I do not know what to do next semester. I need to look harder, dig deeper. I can not afford hardly anything, but in terms of weighing money and potential, I can not afford to stay in Kansas any longer than January 31.